Our journey to you started about two years ago. There were many visits to the hospital, tests to take, conversations to have, and a bunch of excitement. It was hopefully going to happen now, finally!
There were several bumps and roller coaster rides along the way but, in the beginning of November of 2020, it seemed to have worked!!! November 17th. The test day was here and IT WAS POSITIVE – WE WERE PREGNANT 🤍 Our excitement was beyond words and we were flying on clouds of happiness.
Then the adventure of being pregnant started. I felt so nauseous and sick in a way that I could have never imagined. But it was all worth it, I thought. I ended up spending a little more than 3 months in bed or on the sofa (in some ways the pandemic “helped” us since I could work from home then). But, Liz had to take care of everything – from serving me the little I could eat, to cleaning the apartment, doing all the laundry, and she couldn’t even touch me because the touch/movement would make me puke. It was pretty bad, to say the least. But, the excitement kept us going. Peanut, our “working name” for the baby was worth everything 🤍
January 19th, 2021
Mid January came and we (or I, Lina, since Liz was not allowed at the hospital due to the pandemic restrictions – she was fully healthy though) were going to check on Peanut and during the ultrasound we found out everything didn’t quite look ok. We got the worst possible result on the test with a 50/50 percent chance that Peanut wasn’t going to be healthy. The stats were 1:2. One out of 2 babies would be healthy. A 50/50 chance. Not good odds. We were devastated and we started to live in this weird fog of worries. The hospital booked us to do more tests just a couple of days later, and when the day came Liz was finally allowed to be part of it and was able to see Peanut for the first time. I had already been blessed to see Peanut two times at that point (week 8 and 13). Liz cried at how amazing Peanut was. I was nervous about the tests I/we were facing. But it was all beautiful, even though the reason for the tests were all a big chunk of worries.
The test results were going to be reported to us by phone, no matter the result – positive or negative, 2-3 days later (but it was Friday so we had to wait an additional two days). Those waiting days were some of the toughest days in my life. I could not think of anything else. I did not function (even more so with the nausea).
January 26th, 2021
On Tuesday January 26th at 1:18PM the phone rang. It was bad news. Peanut had some chromosome abnormalities and with that there would most likely tag along several other complications. We were now pregnant in week 14 and had entered the second trimester. It was exactly the time (or actually a week before that) that we had planned to announce our pregnancy. It was exactly the time that we had planned to start buying a few things in order to prep for Peanut’s arrival (July 28th, 2021 🤍). But, instead of celebrating and announcing, we were now faced with the decision to end the pregnancy or to go through with it and hope that the baby would be healthy enough to live. What we did know, though, was that Peanut already had some serious health issues. We were in complete shock for days. All of it surreal and crushing. So, we sat with it and just let all of our feelings and thoughts flow for a few days.
February 1st, 2021
We scheduled another appointment with a doctor for further discussions some days later. I talked with a counselor which we are seeing from now on, and then after meeting with a specialist together, Liz and I decided for Peanut’s sake and for our own, that it was the best to end the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision we have ever made and we were devastated. This wasn’t the way we wanted this journey to end. Our dreams were crushed. We started the ending process, and while I’ve been through some tough days in my life, I can say that these days have, by far, been the worst days in our lives. When you’ve come this far in the pregnancy (about to enter week 16), it’s a birthing process at the hospital. The difference is that you don’t get to go home with your baby…
We were terrified and devastated, but, we did it all. Together. We were able to see and hold you, little Peanut, and you were so beautiful in your own little way. And then we said goodbye.
Even though just a short time has passed and we are now deep in our grief, we wanted to share this story to honor our beloved Peanut, our girl who we had several names planned for, and who we were expecting to meet in July this coming summer. Peanut, you will never be forgotten. We love you and we dug deep into our souls to do what we thought was the best for you and for us. 🤍
With great and forever love,
Mamma Lina & Mommy Liz
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