Sometimes I just click in to the website just to get that great, happy, and warm feeling inside of me. Every day I check the Facebook group I’m now part of, because I’m one of them. Every now and then I just have to grab the catalogue and read the detailed information I’ve already read several times. I’m also writing, through social media, to some of my soon to be class mates. How crazy is that? It’s all getting closer. My dream is about to come true. The dream of being in the States and studying. I can’t believe this is really happening. Liz and I are doing research about cars, checking out apartments (as much as we can from Sweden), talking about things we’re gonna move and things we are going to sell or throw away. I’m blown away of this opportunity in my life. In our lives. It all sounds so amazing. And it is.
But in the midst of all the moving preparations and fulfilling my dream, I’m actually living a life that’s pretty tough right now. People don’t see it completely because I’m working hard to not show it, or not to put myself in to situations where I can’t handle everything good or ok. I’m getting pretty personal now, but I guess it’s ok, even though it’s a bit scary. Many people don’t see the everyday life I’m living, they just see a few glimpses. Everyday is a fight, and some days it’s just really hard to fight those fights. Not only one time, but several times per day. Plural. Something that’s natural for many, has become so hard for me for some reasons. The professionals are telling me that I have to stop thinking, just do it, and repeat it over and over and over again. Once it’s over, just leave it behind and focus on the future. Future as the next hour, not months or years ahead. Easier said than done. I’m not really good at that, but at least I’ve heard what the professionals have said, and one day I might follow through with it completely.
I’ve never mentioned that much why I spent some months in the hospital, why I’m not working right now, and what kind of treatment I’m doing. I think it’s too private to get into details (and I don’t want this blog to be all about that either, as I’ve said before), but I also have a hard time understanding it all completely myself. I’ve talked with my main therapist a few times this week about this. She mentions the word acceptance pretty often and one of my issues is to accept my life situation or issues. In order to get well, I’ll have to know that I’m not well, which has been the hardest part from my side. I haven’t accepted everything. I read my diagnosis on the piece of paper that the doctor has signed, and I can’t get it in to my mind. I can’t fill in forms where I need to write that word/name/diagnosis. I can’t say it out loud. I’ve tried. Why is this so hard? I guess because I’m scared? But why? What am I scared of? I know I need to change my life, because if I continue I’ll die. For real. I was close once, but the professionals, and Liz, saved my life. It is time for a change, for real. I’ve been writing some about hope, get better, sickness, and to live life. But…I haven’t really said this before. Ever.
I’m sick. I have an eating disorder and it’s called Anorexia Nervosa.
That was hard. But, it’s ok. Feelings and emotions are good, it’s how you face or handle them that can be good or bad for you. I have to recover (= get way better than I’m now, but no pressure to be “perfect”) in order to be able to fulfill my dream and so my dream will turn out as good as possible. I’m gonna work hard. I’m gonna try to just focus on my main therapist’s words, not the other side. I’m, for once, gonna let her take part of me and my deep, deep inner thoughts, so she can help me to help myself go against the other side, and start to live life completely. The other side is not gonna take over. I’m gonna be 100% Lina or first, I’m gonna find out who Lina is. To be honest, I haven’t let Lina be 100% Lina for many years. It’s about time to explore that with help from Liz, my therapist/(s), and others close to me.
One day I’m gonna be free.