Sometimes I just click in to the website just to get that great, happy, and warm feeling inside of me. Every day I check the Facebook group I’m now part of, because I’m one of them. Every now and then I just have to grab the catalogue and read the detailed information I’ve already read several times. I’m also writing, through social media, to some of my soon to be class mates. How crazy is that? It’s all getting closer. My dream is about to come true. The dream of being in the States and studying. I can’t believe this is really happening. Liz and I are doing research about cars, checking out apartments (as much as we can from Sweden), talking about things we’re gonna move and things we are going to sell or throw away. I’m blown away of this opportunity in my life. In our lives. It all sounds so amazing. And it is.
But in the midst of all the moving preparations and fulfilling my dream, I’m actually living a life that’s pretty tough right now. People don’t see it completely because I’m working hard to not show it, or not to put myself in to situations where I can’t handle everything good or ok. I’m getting pretty personal now, but I guess it’s ok, even though it’s a bit scary. Many people don’t see the everyday life I’m living, they just see a few glimpses. Everyday is a fight, and some days it’s just really hard to fight those fights. Not only one time, but several times per day. Plural. Something that’s natural for many, has become so hard for me for some reasons. The professionals are telling me that I have to stop thinking, just do it, and repeat it over and over and over again. Once it’s over, just leave it behind and focus on the future. Future as the next hour, not months or years ahead. Easier said than done. I’m not really good at that, but at least I’ve heard what the professionals have said, and one day I might follow through with it completely.
I’ve never mentioned that much why I spent some months in the hospital, why I’m not working right now, and what kind of treatment I’m doing. I think it’s too private to get into details (and I don’t want this blog to be all about that either, as I’ve said before), but I also have a hard time understanding it all completely myself. I’ve talked with my main therapist a few times this week about this. She mentions the word acceptance pretty often and one of my issues is to accept my life situation or issues. In order to get well, I’ll have to know that I’m not well, which has been the hardest part from my side. I haven’t accepted everything. I read my diagnosis on the piece of paper that the doctor has signed, and I can’t get it in to my mind. I can’t fill in forms where I need to write that word/name/diagnosis. I can’t say it out loud. I’ve tried. Why is this so hard? I guess because I’m scared? But why? What am I scared of? I know I need to change my life, because if I continue I’ll die. For real. I was close once, but the professionals, and Liz, saved my life. It is time for a change, for real. I’ve been writing some about hope, get better, sickness, and to live life. But…I haven’t really said this before. Ever.
I’m sick. I have an eating disorder and it’s called Anorexia Nervosa.
That was hard. But, it’s ok. Feelings and emotions are good, it’s how you face or handle them that can be good or bad for you. I have to recover (= get way better than I’m now, but no pressure to be “perfect”) in order to be able to fulfill my dream and so my dream will turn out as good as possible. I’m gonna work hard. I’m gonna try to just focus on my main therapist’s words, not the other side. I’m, for once, gonna let her take part of me and my deep, deep inner thoughts, so she can help me to help myself go against the other side, and start to live life completely. The other side is not gonna take over. I’m gonna be 100% Lina or first, I’m gonna find out who Lina is. To be honest, I haven’t let Lina be 100% Lina for many years. It’s about time to explore that with help from Liz, my therapist/(s), and others close to me.
One day I’m gonna be free.
Gumman, hoppas att du vet hur många människor som tänker på dig. Jag ser fram mot att läsa om dit liv i Asheville och hur allt kommer att gå. Tänker på dig och Liz.
Puss och kram
Tack för dina fina ord, Karen! Kul att du ser fram emot att följa oss även då vi bor på andra sidan Atlanten! Kramar
I take a bow to you for being able to finally put those words on”paper”. And YES you don’t have to be perfect, because you’re amazing the way you are. You’re beautiful, fun, creative, kind, loving, musical, talented. Do try and meet the Lina that I have met, the Lina that goes swimming in the Atlantic in the middle of the night (… hang on you might have chickened out on that), the Lina that fills hearts with joy with her beautiful voice, the Lina that has her own great style and the Lina that puts her friends and family first. You will learn to love her just as much as I do and start the most amazing journey with her. Buckets of love xx
Awww. Thank you for all your kind words!!! It means so much to me <3 I do believe I chickened out, but tagged along to the beach...meh. Love you buckets of love back!!!
[…] One day I’m gonna be free. […]
“I have to recover (= get way better than I’m now, but no pressure to be “perfect”)”
Bingo! There’s no such thing as human perfection Lina, it’s a myth. Besides, who would want to hang around someone who was *perfect? 😉
“The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly – that is what each of us is here for.”
—- Oscar Wilde
Sounds like exactly what you’re doing, doesn’t it? Keep focused on your goals & keep reaching out to your incredible system of support that you have in your friends & family, and I think you’ll be fine. 🙂
The asterisk @ *perfect, in my original reply, was so I could say that I misspelled perfect the first time around- lol…It just struck me funny & I was going to mention it…
Then, I forgot to include that bit of info at the end 😛
(I may just be in the running for “not perfect” poster-child – hehe).
Yeah! I’ve been trying to be “perfect” in so many different ways before, but realized there isn’t such a status as “perfection” in the world. Or what would that “perfection” be if it exists? Completely different if you ask different people, I believe (if they would use and refer to something “perfect”). So all the “perfection” would be unique and specified according to that person’s references, and therefore not applicable to others. Are you following me? I can keep going on with this..hehe. Thanks for the good quote and for your supportive comment!!! 😉
Personally Lina, I prefer to revel in all my “defective glory”- a lot less stressful, and I have lots of company- lol. 🙂
I am so proud of you for writing this. Telling your story takes so much courage and I admire your bravery. You inspire me! I love you!
Thank you!! I miss you, but hope we will be living pretty close to each other during the fall 😉 Well it will be a lot closer than now at least! Love you.
<3 Du är bäst och vi är många som hejar på dig! Jag vet att du kommer klara det, det kommer ta tid, men det kommer bli bra! Puss & kram
Awww. Tack!! Ja, och det får låta det ta sin tid det tar även om det är jobbigt i sig.. Puss Puss <3
Linked here by your wife’s blog (I’m one of those silent readers) – just wanted to say this post touched close for me – inspiring writing. You have the courage – you can win this.
I’m usually a pretty silent reader as well, but thank you for not being silent this time, and leaving me a comment. It means a lot to me! Thank you! I will win this, one day..!
Dear Lina, thank you for allowing us this glimpse into your struggles. Like everyone else has said already, we all love you and are so proud of you for fighting so hard. Naming the problem publicly like this is SO brave and SUCH an amazing step forward. As the struggles continue, just keep remembering that we’re all on your side and love you no matter what. And I’m super excited to hear about your continued preparations and move to the States. That will be so great for both of you!
Thank you for showing your care by leaving a comment and sharing your thoughts!! It was a huge step for me, so to get this great response…it’s amazing! We gotta meet up somewhere in the States once we’re over the pond 😉 LOVE.
What a great post, Lina! I hope you inspire others with the same dis-ease (psychologists call it this because it causes great “unease”. Clever, huh?!) and their friends/relatives who are going through a similar situation.
Thanks!!! That is clever! 😉
Beautifully written. You are so brave, that much is certain and shows through.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Thank you!! And thanks for stopping by and leaving a print. It means a lot to me!
You’re welcome. I wanted to mention, I totally love your feather tattoo! I have total tattoo envy. 🙂 It is so beautiful.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Awww. Thanks! It’s pretty new and I love it. Feels so me 🙂
Lina, jag älskar dig och kommer alltid att göra det! Du är så himla modig och fantastisk <3
Åh, fina söta du! Älskar dig också, alltid <3
Djupt berörd av att läsa din fina och ärliga text, dina bilder av daglig kamp och hopp. Många varma tankar till dig.
Tack för att du tänker på mig och för att du lämnade ett avtryck här, det betyder mycket för mig!
Your words are so beautiful. It is sooo hard the first time you say that. When I first tried to tell my closest friend, I took a picture of the diagnosis and texted it to her, because that was the best I could do. Thank you for being brave and sharing. <3
Thanks for commenting and thanks for your compliment! Texting her the diagnosis was a good idea, I think. A first step of everything! Hope you’re doing ok <3