One day, I will be free

March 2nd was the last time I posted something here on the blog. That was 25 days ago, and the weeks before that were like having mountain of hell to climb before us. But Liz and I did it. We climbed and have now, not reached the top (because I don’t want to think of life where you reach a top and then it’s done), but are now soaking up a beautiful view, and are enjoying life so much more since we are settled in our amazing apartment!

A lot of things have changed in my life since last time I wrote. I’m signed out from day treatment, after having been at the hospital every weekday for a little bit more than five months. It’s been hard to get used to being home more and to stand on my own feet. Luckily and thankfully, I have an amazing wife who’s helping me. I also have some other support and still, of course, I am seeing my therapist from the hospital on a weekly basis.

Since we haven’t had any Internet the past month, I haven’t really read any blogs…so I’m catching up on a few now. Not all of them since it will most likely be around, if not more, hundreds of posts to read and that overwhelms me. But, I’ve chosen a few to read, the ones who write about everyday life. That’s what I need right now. To get inspired and to challenge myself to do life stuff. The sickness is stopping me from living my life and I miss it. But even though I miss it, it’s hard to just do it, to do the things I actually love to do. Isn’t it sad? It makes me really sad to think about it (which in itself is a good sign!).

I’ve been enriched with new friendships lately, friends who are going through a similar sickness I’m going through. And the most amazing part of having these new friendships are that we understand and know each other on a level that no one else knows. We’ve been going through a similar hell at the hospital, but we’re now out of that, fighting for everyday life based from home. What’s so important with these friendships is that we’re always supporting each other, we’re always there for each other, pepping, sharing happy moments, and sharing sad moments. Not bringing each other down, but fighting together towards a healthy life, where the sickness is taking up less and less space in our lives.

Back to the blogs I’ve been catching up on. For the first time, in a really long time, I can feel a true longing to actually challenge myself, or the sickness, and to do the things that the sickness is screaming at me to not do. But Lina, somewhere deep inside, wants to. I’m not talking about major adventures, what you might think is huge in your life. I’m talking about the smaller everyday things that you might do without even thinking about it, but what takes for me, perhaps weeks to plan, talked through with my therapist and/or Liz, planned in detail, back up plans…the list can go on.

I’ve started doing some life-things now. For example, to go and sit in a cafe, to go to the movies, to walk downtown by myself, eat at a restaurant, drink alcohol, eat “forbidden” stuff… Now, I’m not doing all these things everyday, I still need to plan everything in detail, but I’ve started reaching out to life again. Which I haven’t done, at this “level”, for a very long time. What’s so sad, or perhaps it’s good too, is that people who don’t suffer from an eating disorder, who don’t think and analyze or plan everyday things, might not think about how hard and tough it is for me, since I’m there doing the things. But behind the scenes, things are planned, talked through, and have had my thoughts for days, or sometimes, weeks. However, I do believe, that to keep doing these tough things, will eventually lead to it being more easily done, and later on not thought through or planned as much. And the eating disorder will have smaller place in me while doing these things. It’s sort of learning by doing. I have to relearn how to live my life in a sense. A life where the eating disorder doesn’t take up 110% of Lina. And doesn’t take over and away life.

So just because I’m not in the hospital anymore, it doesn’t mean that I’m done with treatment. It’s actually more the opposite. It’s now that my tough treatment is starting because it is in my everyday life, without the safety of the hospital walls. But, I have to live my life. Challenge myself. Put myself into situations where I’m not comfortable at all. Because one day, one day, it will be an amazing experience, and there will not be a dark cloud of anxiety hanging over me.

So with this post, I just wanted to share a little of what it is like being outside the hospital, still on the sicklist for months, and how it is to fight every single day, several times a day… just give you a picture what I’m working on now..

I’m fighting to get life back. An everyday life without anxiety and without an eating disorder taking over completely. One day, I will be free.