It’s been almost two months since my last post about our little Peanut, who we sadly had to say goodbye to on February 3rd. The days are moving on with a bunch of work (I have a new job since the beginning of December 2020 since I lost my other job due to the Covid-19 situation in the world back in August the same year) and also some major preparations. Not too long after February 3rd, Liz and I decided we needed a major change in our lives, a fresh new start, and a focus/project during spring as we’re facing a spring and summer far different than we first thought by not expecting a baby anymore.
I’m still crying pretty much every day over our dream that never happened. I’m still being reminded by various milestones, such as entering half way in pregnancy, earlier scheduled times with midwife, classes we were going to participate in, stuff we were going to purchase, preparations in the home we were going to do, and so forth. Not to mention all the strollers, pregnant women, and babies that are out there to see – in real life and on social media. I’m happy for their sake, but it still hurts in my heart and soul, and it’s still pretty hard to deal with to be honest. But it hasn’t been that long since we ended the pregnancy and I can’t be too hard on myself. I’m so thankful for having Liz in my life, the counselor we’re seeing together, and my therapist I’m seeing by myself. Also my amazing parents who are supporting me and keeping up with my freak outs of grief on a regular basis as well. It is what it is. I have to accept it, and try to move on in life even though I feel I don’t have the right to do that since Peanut never got the chance to do so. We don’t regret our decision and we know it was the best for all of us…still, of course, it hurts. So much.
As I wrote earlier, we’re doing some major changes and preparations in life right now. We’re moving this summer to Norrköping. The plan is to get our apartment up for sale in the beginning of May, and it will hopefully be sold by summer (fingers crossed). We’ve been fortunate with great luck and amazing timing to get hold of our almost dream apartment in downtown Norrköping. It’s bigger than the one we own now, has a huge balcony with a great view of the whole city, right in the middle of downtown so close to everything, and there is also some other great convenient stuff we want to have. It feels so good. We need this change. If you know or remember, we actually used to live in Norrköping back from 2010 to 2013. However, it was a pretty dark period in my life where I was really sick with anorexia, so we haven’t been able to really enjoy the city for real. We’re also going to be closer to more family and friends (although it’s really sad to have to leave some other family here in Uppsala – but we’ll come back and visit, for sure). I’m gonna be able to focus and do a lot of more music in my life, which I’m really looking forward to. Singing in a choir again and to taking private singing lessons, are already on my agenda and I’ve booked a voice coach. So exciting! I’m also gonna be able to still see my therapist since she’s also offering online sessions, and has a clinic in Stockholm as well, which I might go to on a regular basis.
As I mentioned earlier I’d gotten a new job back in December, and I was feeling really bad a day back a few weeks ago when I thought I was gonna have to give my notice..but my boss totally offered me to still keep it but to work from Norrköping instead. How perfect!! I love my new job, but my newest client (I work as a UX-designer consultant), is in Stockholm – therefore, it could be some trips to the big city whenever the pandemic is letting us, which isn’t too far from Norrköping.
So all in all. Things are moving on in the midst of the grieving process.