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July 28th đŸ€

July 28, 2021

It was your due date today, July 28th and I have had so much anxiety and grief about this day for so long. We know she could have come earlier or later, but today is the day that we were counting down to. Ever since we decided to end the pregnancy, I have pretty much been crying every day at some point since January when we find out about how things were.

Some might think, or have even mistaken, it was a miscarriage. It wasn’t. We had to make the decision on our own, based on what all the tests showed and what the doctors said. It was horrible. We were also pretty far into the pregnancy which made it even worse to end it. It was a birth at the hospital, we held our Peanut and said goodbye to her, and she’s buried in Uppsala now.

This has been and is so hard to handle. All I see is other people being pregnant and having babies. I’m happy for their sake, but it hurts at the same time that we never got to experience it all. It’s also so hard to handle, hearing people talk about their children (which I understand they are and will continue doing and I have to learn to face it and deal with it – but right now I’m super extra sensitive and it’s tough to hear). Everything wasn’t ok with you, Peanut, and I have to keep reminding myself about that and not get stuck in thinking it wasn’t.

Even though I was physically feeling really bad while being pregnant and spent pretty much all of the time in bed/sofa, I miss it terribly and would do anything to be pregnant again. To think that we were three (or four with Zola the cat), to plan what your crib was gonna look and be like, discuss culture differences/similarities, how we wanted to raise you as an American and a Swede – share it all with you. You were gonna be an American and a Swede, have both passports to open up the world to you even more, if you wanted to explore it later on. We had decided to continue to speak English at home and with each other, since society and surroundings are all speaking Swedish. We had talked so much about everything and then it all just crashed.

Your were a tiny little human being who was gonna be named Sonja Ruth Reynolds Eriksson. We love you and forever will keep you in our hearts, little Sonja. đŸ€

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My new quarantine routine

May 2, 2020

I gotta have some routines when working from home and when not really doing anything specific from day to day. This is something I’ve been working on figuring out from day 1 of quarantine.

I know that some of my readers aren’t from Sweden and I’m not going to describe exactly how the Swedish society is facing the pandemic, although plenty of you have probably heard both good and bad news about the strategy here. Shortly put: we’re not in lockdown and we don’t have strict laws forcing us to stay home. The strategy is based on strong recommendations with daily updates of information from experts. At 2PM there are different agencies/departments who provide the latest information, recommendations, etc. at a televised press conference. And the majority of the population follows these recommendations. In general, we are all listening to what is being said. There have been situations, however, where people have started to relax a tad bit too much, and then there are new rules to follow the next day due to that.

We’ve built our society on freedom with a great portion of individual responsibility. That’s always been a big part of Swedish society. And, now, Sweden has, from pretty much the beginning, been careful about shutting down the whole country since this pandemic most likely will go on for a longer period of time, and a total shutdown will not be possible to keep going month after month – due to economy and people’s mental health. I’m not saying this is the best way of facing the pandemic, nor that it is a bad way – we will all see once this is “over”, or when we have a greater distance from it all. This is just a really short description of how Sweden is doing it.

The day before yesterday was Walpurgis Eve /April 30/”Last of April”, which is a huge celebration day in Uppsala where we live. Hundreds of thousands of people are usually out and about, having picnics in parks, celebrating spring. You can read more about it here. It usually looks like this. (<– Google image search of Last of April in Uppsala). Yesterday the city looked like this (<– The article is in Swedish, but focus on the drones videos/images taken – the differences!!!). People listened to the agencies/departments who were telling us to skip the big celebrations 2020, and that makes my soul and heart warm – we can do this!

Pictures from other years during Last of April celebrations, totally “stolen” from Liz’s blog.

Ok, I wasn’t gonna write a lot about the pandemic and Sweden..hehe. Back to where I started, about my new routines. The past weeks, I do believe since Easter, I’ve lost some “discipline”. I don’t like to have rules, and will never really have any since my life existed with so many rules when I was sick with anorexia. I’m over that kind of mindset, and but I like to focus on what makes me feel good right here and now. Therefore, the routines are not based on something I’m gonna do every day, or push me towards some kind of weird spiral down to a dark place. No, this is all based on how to make me feel good inside out, in these times of pandemic.

Starting on Monday, I’ll only work 80% (and not 100%), but thanks to the government of Sweden, I’ll get paid for 96%. This means, I’ll work every day but will get off earlier which actually feels kind of nice now when spring is here and summer is upon us. The evenings are brighter and warmer.

My idea and plan
07.15 AM Wake up
08.00 AM Start to work
12.00 PM Lunch break with a walk outside
15:30 PM Get off

After work hours, I will start taking power walks for at least 45 min (could also be some easy work out at home instead or combined), come home and take a shower, and then cook dinner. After dinner, I’ll do various activities which could be to play the piano, sketch, clean/organize the storage units in the basement, watch Netflix, bake, get out in the car somewhere (out in nature), puzzle, talk with my parents on FaceTime, Zoom with the whole family (it’s hilarious), clean our home, do laundry, spend time in our backyard, and hang out with my brother and his family or two of our friends. In this way I’ll get some physical activity, fresh air, a structured work day, regular meals, and social activities as well. It’s what I need and feel good about right now.

Most important is to wake up and get a feel of what I need that exact day. Do I need to just lay down on the couch and watch Netflix, I’ll do that, and not feel bad about it. I don’t need guilty feelings hovering over me, or negative thoughts about myself right now. I wanna feel as good as I can in this time.

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En vÀdjan till egoisterna

March 29, 2020

Jag skulle ha varit dĂ€r nu. Skulle ha haft semester i en vecka och Ă„kt skidor i fjĂ€llen. Skulle ha tillbringat tid med min Ă€lskade familj som jag inte trĂ€ffar alltför ofta. Före skidsemestern skulle jag och min fru haft besök av en nĂ€ra vĂ€n frĂ„n Tyskland som vi inte trĂ€ffat pĂ„ lĂ€nge och innan det skulle vi ha bestĂ€llt ett nytt kök. Före det, eller mĂ„nader sedan, hade vi Ă€ven börjat den största processen i mitt och min frus liv – att blir gravida! TĂ€nka sig att jag precis nĂ€mnde det i detta sammanhang först! Nu har jag sagt det till vĂ€rlden, eller ja, till de som faktiskt Ă€r hĂ€r inne och lĂ€ser och som förstĂ„r svenska. Jag kommer skriva mer om vĂ„r process framöver för jag/vi vill gĂ€rna dela med oss av vĂ„r resa att skaffa barn som vi har börjat pĂ„ och i de dryga tvĂ„ Ă„r som gĂ„tt sedan jag sist bloggade, har jag den senaste tiden saknat en kanal i mitt liv dĂ€r jag kan uttrycka mig. Jag kommer med andra ord att börja skriva mer hĂ€r igen, för jag behöver det och dĂ„ Ă€ven berĂ€tta mer om vĂ„r process i att försöka att bli gravida. Men som sagt, det Ă€r en annan process och historia. Nu, tillbaka till det jag började skriva om…

Just nu Àr allt ovisst men jag vet att vi inte ska ivÀg pÄ vÄr skidsemester med familjen med start idag. VÄr vÀn frÄn Tyskland kom inte hit och hÀlsade pÄ oss. Vi har pausat vÄra köksrenoveringsplaner just nu och avvaktar lÀget och Reproduktionscentrum utför inga behandlingar i dagslÀget och dÄ pÄ obestÀmd tid framöver. Vi kommer dessutom inte att kunna Äka och hÀlsa pÄ vÄr familj i USA till sommaren som det ser ut nu och vet inte nÀr vi kommer kunna se dem igen. Den ovissheten Àr otroligt jobbig, speciellt dÄ vi har en slÀkting som ligger för döden.

Det Ă€r sjukt trĂ„kigt att allt detta sker och jag Ă€r ledsen och grĂ„ter ibland. Jag HATAR rent ut sagt Covid-19 men det handlar om hĂ€lsan nu – om liv och död.

Jag blir uppriktigt sagt otroligt arg, besviken och ledsen nĂ€r andra skiter i detta och lever pĂ„ som om det inte fanns nĂ„gon annan Ă€n de sjĂ€lva hĂ€r i vĂ€rlden, i Norden, i Sverige, i den stora staden eller det mindre samhĂ€llet. DET om nĂ„got har satt sina spĂ„r i mig. HUR Ă€r det ens möjligt att tĂ€nka sĂ„ egoistiskt just nu? 

SNÄLLA, res inte nu. FolhĂ€lsomyndighetens rekommendation Ă€r att inte resa just nu, vare sig det Ă€r till fjĂ€llen, din sommarstuga, eller andra stĂ€llen. Stanna hemma för att minska smittspridningen i landet! Hoppar vi de sociala sammankomsterna nu, kommer det förhoppningsvis gĂ„ snabbare för oss att fĂ„ tillbaka den vardag vi sĂ„ gĂ€rna vill ha tillbaka. Ge efter med vad ni sjĂ€lva vill ha eller göra nu och fĂ„ det snabbare tillbaka snart. FjĂ€llen kommer att vara kvar, nĂ€sta Ă„r. Det kanske inte din mamma eller farmor Ă€r. Det Ă€r sant. Det hĂ€nder. MĂ€nniskor dör. Ta det inte som att det bara Ă€r en förkylning för dig och ignorera allvaret, för nĂ„gon annan som tar över din eventuella “förkylning”, kan dö.

TĂ€nk ocksĂ„ pĂ„ vad det innebĂ€r för de mindre stĂ€derna, samhĂ€llena eller byarna som inte har samma resurser som exempelvis Stockholm, Göteborg och Malmö. Trotsar mĂ„nga mĂ€nniskor, eller gĂ„r emot de rekommendationer som finns och som Ă€r tillsatta istĂ€llet för restriktioner, kommer Sverige vara tvunget att ta till restriktioner och Ă€ndra lagar tillfĂ€lligt Ă„t det hĂ„rdare hĂ„llet. Vill vi det? Kan vi inte försöka ta ett individansvar nu, Ă€ndra vĂ„ra planer och vĂ„rt liv just nu, sĂ„ att vi snart kan fĂ„ tillbaka vĂ„ra liv igen?

Även om ni inte kĂ€nner av nĂ„gra symptom eller tycker ni Ă€r sjuka sĂ„ KAN NI FORTFARANDE BÄRA PÅ VIRUSET OCH NI KAN BIDRA TILL ATT NÅGON ANNAN BLIR SJUK OCH KANSKE DÖR!!! Bara för att du ville Ă„ka skidor, gĂ„ pĂ„ den dĂ€r puben och dricka en öl, eller gĂ„ pĂ„ den dĂ€r tillstĂ€llningen dĂ„ det Ă€ndĂ„ ”bara” skulle vara du och 499 andra personer. Tack och lov att denna siffra Ă€ndras, frĂ„n och med idag, till max 50 personer (Ă€ven om det Ă€r lite vĂ€l löst bestĂ€mt och en kan ifrĂ„gasĂ€tta en hel del). 

Hur svĂ„rt kan det vara att ta hĂ€nsyn till fler Ă€n dig sjĂ€lv? SnĂ€lla, detta Ă€r en vĂ€djan till dig som kanske fokuserat lite vĂ€l mycket pĂ„ jaget det senaste tiden. Suck it up och ta ett samhĂ€llsansvar nu – för allas hĂ€lsa. Det kĂ€nns skönt att ha skrivit ned detta nu och jag kĂ€nner att jag behöver runda av detta inlĂ€gg för att gĂ„ vidare med lite mer positivitet i kroppen. KĂ€nner ni att ni sjĂ€lva behöver och vill skriva av er, Ă€r kommentarsfĂ€ltet öppet för tankar, kĂ€nslor, reaktioner eller vad ni nu kĂ€nner att ni vill skriva och dela med er utav. Ta hand om er och era medmĂ€nniskor <3 Avslutar med ett citat som jag sett cirkulera den senaste tiden;

Jag gÄr till jobbet för din skull, stanna hemma för min skull.

Anne Rosendahl, sjuksköterska
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January 2018

January 13, 2018

 

Happy New Year ♄
First post of the year, folks!

I’ve celebrated Christmas with my Swedish family in my hometown, and a couple of days later, Liz and I flew to the States, and celebrated a belated Christmas and then New Years Eve with our American family and friends! We’re now back in Sweden, Liz is back at work, and I’m working on figuring out a few next steps for me in life, which sounds pretty serious (and it is actually pretty important and big to me).

Let’s say, 2017 turned into a lot of unexpected turns, which forced me into some new beginnings. It’s been a roller coaster the past months to say at least, but I’m finally beginning to see the end of the ride.

I was laid off work this past fall and it wasn’t handled good at all by my former company. I’ve been struggling getting my rights upheld – my legal rights- and there has been a lot of annoying waiting time and more unexpected turns. It’s been exhausting!! However, I’m actually glad it happened to me, because it has forced me to move on to what I now believe are way better things. I cannot stress hard enough how excited I am for my new adventures coming up. It’s close to being pretty clear now! Once the contract is signed, I’ll let you know, but I do have a job offer, actually possibly two job offers, and I’m beyond excited!

So a new year, a new job coming up soon, and I’m feeling better than ever! I think I’m gonna write a post where I make a list of things I wanna do/do more of in 2018. But that’s gotta be a different post, I believe. Just wanted to say hi now, and yes, my blog is back on the regular address, and you’ll find my portfolio linked up in the main menu. I’ve also fixed a new header, as you probably have noticed already. A few small changes, but they do feel pretty darn good, I think.

 

USA winter 17/18

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Picking up the pieces

November 2, 2017

This is how I’ve felt lately… separated into different pieces because life turned me in a completely opposite direction then I expected. But you know what? I think that this process that I’ve been forced to go through will actually turn into something amazing – something way better than I could have ever imagined! So even though I’ve felt like I’ve been in split into pieces, I think I’ve put myself together again, one piece at a time. I know where I wanna go, and hopefully how to get there!

I’m gonna find a dream team to work with, in an amazing work place, with fun, interesting, and exciting projects where I get to be creative and have loads of fun! YEAH!

 

(I haven’t mentioned anything about it at all, but in the end of September, I was laid off work due to their bad economy. So I, along with three others, were made to leave. Long story short, there’s still a process going on with that, which I’ll not get in to. But, while not working, I’ve studied a class, gotten a certification in User Experience Design (UX-design), and worked on my portfolio. So now I’m ready to hit the job market again! Wish me luck ♄).

 

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they were always just a tram ride away

September 17, 2017

“They’re not treating me fairly!”, said a sobbing Lina, hardly able to make herself clear through her tears.

She asked me to explain the whole situation, listened carefully, and eventually told me to go and wash my face in cold water because it would feel good to my bright, red, tear-streaked face. She knew me so well. Even though I knew deep inside of me it might have been me that had not been treating my siblings fairly, it always felt she was on “my side” of the whole story, and that’s what I needed right then.

Between my private violin lesson and my orchestra practice, I always went to their big apartment, located right in the middle of downtown. We had fika, talked and talked, and they listened and listened. During the summer months, when they lived in their summer cottage, out in the country side, which I truly wasn’t a big fan of (most likely because the rugs weren’t as cozy as in their downtown apartment, and the toys weren’t as many), I spent a lot of time there anyway. We played ice cream store through the kitchen window, where I always ordered an ice cream boat. We went to the lakes and swam.

One time, when my youngest aunt lived in another city, and they were going to visit her, I joined them, and we surprised her. I was standing behind the door when they rang the doorbell, and jumped out from my hidden place, and we all screamed “Surprise!” That was the same trip where I got really upset when we were walking downtown, until they bought me “TĂ„rtspelet” – a board game. I was so excited then that I forgot I was upset. We also played endless of rounds of card games at their dining table, while eating chocolate and drinking apple cider. If I was lucky, and had been nice, while walking downtown, helping out, I could get beautiful angel book marks. The beauty was that I never expected anything, it was just something extra every now and then. What truly was the most important, was the endless amount of hugs and love I always felt from them.

Once I got a little bit older, I started cleaning and helping them out every week, ran to the store for them, or picked up pastries from the bakery just down the stairs, in the same block. It was a time I felt I could help them and be there for them when they needed it. When I needed help with school work, I could always ask him, and then I was stuck forever, since he literally knew e v e r y t h i n g, and therefore told me e v e r y t h i n g. Sometimes he could move over to start talking about the native Swedes and what life was like up north in Sweden. We were a great team.

The years passed, and I moved to other cities, and even countries, and I couldn’t see them as often as I wanted. However, I tried to always keep them updated, by sending post cards, and/or letters, and whenever I was in town for a visit, I always paid them a visit as well.

Tears are streaming down my face right now.

Tears of happiness that I got to have them in my life. Tears of joy of all the memories I have.

But also tears of sorrow. I miss mormor and morfar so bad.

Today, a year ago, was the last time I saw my mormor (grandma), talked with her, and hugged her. We looked at old photo albums, talked about the past, and laughed in the present moment. And when it was time for me to leave, we both knew. We knew it was the last time we would see each other in this life. My morfar passed away three years before her, and I knew they were finally gonna be together again soon. It was the right thing. It was time. However, it’s so easy to be selfish in moments like this, because I miss you so much, mormor and morfar..

 

LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER

♄

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Life happened

September 4, 2017

photo credit to Jeremy Trimnal – friend and photographer at Asheville Blog

Hey <3

Last time I posted anything here was our latest podcast episode on May 10th! To blog and record podcasts haven’t been my priority when I’ve needed to put all my energy into life in general. But you know what? It wasn’t anything I’d planned. It just happened. However, I’ve been working on trying to figure out how I want to live my life, and in doing that, I have simply lived. To leave the anorexia behind, focus on what was good for Lina, not the eating disorder. I’m not gonna excuse myself, because I’ve grown so much as a human being during these past months, and that’s freaking amazing. Since I haven’t updated anything here for a while, though, I thought we could do a little recap of each month and what I’ve been up to.

photo credit to another wedding guest

MAY

  • Liz and I road tripped, together with a new friends of ours, in Germany. Well, we flew to Berlin, rented a car and drove about three hours south from Berlin. Our friends were getting married and it was such a beautiful wedding ceremony in an old little church in the middle of the village where our friend grew up. I was also fortunate to be able to sing and play. The wedding reception was also so much fun! Another fun fact, it was also my birthday, so I got to celebrate the beginning of my 34th year out in the country, at a beautiful wedding, in ThĂŒringen, Germany.
  • Back in Sweden, my wife surprised me with dinner out together with my brother, his wife, and a close friend of ours (who’s birthday is just about after mine).
  • I was working on myself a lot this month.
  • We celebrated our version of Memorial Weekend by having a picnic in the big park together with family and friends.
  • The lilacs were blooming, spreading their sweet scent all over town, and summer was on it’s way, along with my excitement.

JUNE

  • Celebrated June 6th (Sweden’s National Day), by drinking beer in some beautiful summer weather.
  • We decided to redo a little interior in our living room by selling our couch, and buying a new one. We are in love with the new look, and how much more spacious it all feels. Score us! (More photos to come!)
  • Was really sad and upset about a “friend” of mine. I tried. Was denied. Got tired, and broke up with the person. Still dealing with this in my heart and soul, because I feel like I never got the chance to really work it out with the person.
  • My cousin graduated from high school in Norrköping and we took the train down to be part of the celebrations.
  • Celebrated Midsummer out in the archipelago together with my wife. I’m still working on a little video, and one day it will be done. Just gotta finish another project first.

JULY

  • Ate endless amounts of strawberries because that’s my absolute favorite thing to eat. At. All. Times.
  • Counted down the beginning of my vacation by celebrating others’ vacations beginning by exploring a new bar in Uppsala with amazing cocktails. Plus an almost 360 degree view of Uppsala. Good stuff.
  • Vacation time which meant going to the States time!
  • Spent our first days in the States, in New York City, hanging out with my American cousin who was doing an internship there during the summer. Explored Upper East Side for the first time (Liz and I try to explore different areas each time we’re there).
  • Flew down to North Carolina and Asheville/Lake Junaluska/Waynesville area. Hung out with family and friends, and drank endless amounts of beer. Because that’s what you do there.

AUGUST

  • Flew back to Sweden, WITH MY IN-LAWS! Yes, that was huge since it was their first time in Sweden.
  • Started off in Uppsala with a lot of rest due to jetlag.
  • I started working again, but my first week I “worked from home”, from Norrköping, where we hung out with my parents and Liz’s parents, and toured around e v e r y w h e r e. So great to finally be able to hang out with both our parents in Sweden! They’ve seen each other several times, but in the States when my parents’ have traveled there. Now my parents’ got to host my parents-in-law. So great!
  • Went back to Uppsala and to work in the office. Decided to really work on being there, and not working from home. And as of today, I’ve been there every day three weeks straight. It’s a record. (FYI: I’m on sick leave, only working part time, and haven’t had the energy to work from the office around other people so many days in a row before now). Liz’s parents stayed at my brother’s place, since he and his wife were hiking in Spain, so after work, I hung out with them and toured around Uppsala. My parents came to town, and we all spent a day in Stockholm, toured in Uppsala, and just hung out together. Liz’s parents returned to the States after being in Sweden for three weeks. It’s been empty not having them around..
  • Our friend C from London, who also was our House Hunters International producer, came and stayed with us for a few days. We had so much time, visiting old film locations, eating good food, and drinking beer at Ångkvarn of course (we filmed there).
  • Ended August by going to an outdoor concert, sat on the first row, and listened to Helen Sjöholm and Tomas Andersson Wij <3.

It’s the beginning of September now, fall is creeping up on us, which I actually feel pretty pleased about. Last fall was awful so I have the feeling this is gonna be an amazing fall, way better then last year, with plenty of cozy nights together with friends and family! I also feel my creativity is increasing, so I’ll hopefully take care of that, and do some fun projects.

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Welcome, beautiful May!

May 1, 2017
Processed with VSCO with hb1 preset

Hey Friends, and welcome back!

I’ve been gone for a while, and with this post, I’m not saying I’m back on a regular basis again, just to warn you. Hehe. However, today, I had the feeling, and the longing to share my thoughts. I truly think I need this space, a channel to share exactly what I’m feeling and thinking. Whenever. However.

It’s first of May today. Also, from now on, called my birthday month! Yeah. I’m turning 33 towards the end of May (20th to be exact), and with that, I’m beginning my 34th year of living. How cool is that? I’ve made it this far, and hopefully have many years to come!

To be honest, I feel like my life is starting all over again, the sickness of my eating disorder is not my whole “life” anymore. There are other things to focus on. I still have a while to walk on the path of being free from it, but almost every day, I’m making progress in leaving it behind me, and it’s such an amazing feeling.

I’m also in a phase where I’m trying to minimilize my life when it comes to stuff. I don’t want to have tons of clothes – I prefer to wear pieces that I know where they come from, have a transparent business (where you know the process of making it and not many middle hands in between). I would much rather pay a little more for quality and good business values, instead of paying a mass company, with horrible working conditions for its employees, and so forth. I’m also making a change of the products I’m using (make up, etc.), to know if it has been tested on animals or not, and what ingredients it has. Ok, I’m not gonna get completely stuck in this subject right now, it can be its own post. However, my point is, that I’m trying to go through things I own, give it away or sell it, in order to own less. My goal is to know exactly everything I own and where it’s placed, to know where it comes from, and the process of making it.

In order to reach some things I really want to aim for, I’ve decided to set up some various goals for the month of May. I thought it could be a neat monthly tradition, where towards the end of the month, I go through my goals and see what I need to give more time doing or scratch from the list, or what I’ve done. No pressure, but pure joy and getting the feeling of working towards what’s important in my life right now. Here we go:

My May Goals

  • Continue going through stuff – get rid of things and organize the rest.
  • Plan a kitchen renovation.
  • Learn more about running a business.
  • Start using Lightroom (a photo editing software) on a regular basis.
  • Cook at least once a week, perhaps twice.
  • Try pole dancing.
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Welcome, 2017!

January 1, 2017


I feel so ready for you, 2017.

It’s New Years Eve, around 10PM here on the East coast of the US. Sweden has already lived in 2017 for some hours, and we’re about to enter it as well, and while we’re waiting I thought I could share some of my thoughts abut how to improve my life in order to live it to the fullest.

I have a few things I’ve thought of, changes I wanna make, improvements, healthy choices, and a desire to live life like I’ve never done before. Let’s organize it a little bit better:

Health
Make sure I drink as much water as I need every day, sleep enough hours every night, eat good food that I’ve also cooked, and take walks in order to get fresh air, every now and then.

Weekly luxury stuff
To do something for myself every week, along with doing something together with Liz every week. It could be, for example, to go to the movies on a regular Tuesday night. Grab a glass of wine downtown on a Friday after work, buy a sweater or something for home, fix my nails, get massages, treat myself with some lattes and juices etc. out, take away food on a weekday night…and so forth.

Travels
To have a few ideas/plans for possible trips. It could be a day in Stockholm, a long weekend in Ireland, a London trip…Just a few things, something special, to look forward to.

Creativity
Learn more about video editing, do paper art, take more pictures, film vlogs, and work on Liz’s and my new projects. Continue with our podcast and perhaps improve it even more.

Friends and Family
Meet up more with friends and family. More spontaneity in life.

Life in general
Try to clean out my life and by that I mean, live a more minimalistic life… think through once and twice before a purchase. Just because something is really cheap, I might not wanna stand behind the values of  how it was produced; for example, avoiding fast fashion. Also, to organize and go through our storage units. I don’t need as much stuff and clothes that I already have.


Lastly: To worry less and live more. 

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Thursday thoughts

September 15, 2016

tattoo

I woke up with a pretty heavy feeling inside of me today. My energy level is pretty low nowadays, due to new routines/changes in my life.

Once I had gotten up to a higher energy level, life changed, and I need to face the exhausted feelings again. But I know it’s worth it. Because this is life, not where I was a year ago, five years ago, or even ten years ago. However, there’s so much going on right now, things I cannot control, fun stuff, tough stuff…and where am I in all of this? I have no idea. Who am I? How do you figure out who you are? How do you know your identity? What is identity? How would you describe yourself? I don’t know. I feel pretty lost right now. But perhaps, time will show, ride this wave, and I will explore more and more. The hard part, though, is to have patience enough, to let this take its time.

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New week, new energy?

September 12, 2016

Sept. 2016

This past weekend hasn’t been the greatest one in history. I haven’t stepped outside at all, not wanted to show myself for anyone, and just felt anxious and bad. I truly hate when those days come, and I’m not that great at taking care of me/them either. Basically, I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away, which isn’t really good since I probably need to take care and face my emotions/feelings. So I’m gonna try to change the thoughts now…because they’re still there.

Hope you’re having a good beginning of the week ♄

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Back to work!

September 5, 2016
YOU create your own possibilities

Guys, guess what I’m doing today!!! I’m gonna start working a little bit again, after nearly a year of being on the sick list full time. I’ll take it really slowly in the beginning, and will just be at work a couple of hours every day. I’m pumped, excited, but also nervous in some way. Just like it “should” be, I guess.

At least, I’m not gonna work with stressful deadlines and have any direct contact with customers in the beginning. Instead, I am going to work within the company, such as, promoting it in on social media. Gonna be so much fun! I love social media, and to be able to work with it, is awesome. Like a dream. I feel so creative and inspired right now.

So from now on, I’ll work a tiny bit again, and I think we all (my therapist, mentor, Liz, the doctor, my job, and I) all have a great plan for me. And I’m gonna start saying that my position at work is not only as a Graphic Designer, but also as a Social Media Coordinator.

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Acast

September 2, 2016

As Liz and I mentioned in our latest podcast episode, our podcast is now available on Acast as well! Acast is another podcast platform and is available for both Android users as well as iOS users. You can read more about Acast on their website, here and click → here ← to get directly to our page on Acast.

Download the free Acast app on Google Play here.
Download the free  Acast app on the App Store, here.

 

The website look ↓

screenshot1

screenshot3

screenshot2

 

The phone app look (at least on an iPhone)↓

phone_screenshots

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liz+lina

August 26, 2016

Liz and I decided during our vacation in the States, after we’d been guests in a podcast which I wrote about here, to start our own podcast. So we went to a store, bought a microphone and pop filters, brainstormed, and planned.

liz+lina 4

liz+lina 2
Once we were back in Sweden, we set everything up, and started recording.

Yeti Microphone

Liz + Lina Podcast 5

Liz + Lina Podcast 1

We edited it a bit, and then uploaded it/requested a review in iTunes, and once we were approved, it was there – available for the world! Gaaaah, such a good feeling. So reader, feel free to subscribe to our podcast!

lizlina

You’ll find it by searching liz+lina or just simply click on the links below and choose the platform of your choice. We’re still working on figuring our additional platforms, so if you prefer or miss the platform you’re using, let me know, and we’ll work on it. But as of now, you’ll find it by following the links below.

Hope you’ll enjoy it as much we enjoyed recording it. It’s a journey for us, and hopefully you’d like to tag along. Feedback is also warmly welcomed ♄

>> iTunes
>> Soundcloud

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Books for the nearest future

July 17, 2016

This post is in Swedish due to the books I’m gonna read is in Swedish…

Inspirerad av min kusin och hennes blogg, kommer hÀrmed ett inlÀgg om vilka böcker jag har som vÀntar pÄ att fÄ lÀsas. Jag har med andra ord inte hunnit lÀsa dessa och kan inte ger en nÄgon recension Àn av dessa men planerar att skriva ett inlÀgg om mina omdömen senare i höst.

Books summer 2016

Books summer 2016

Books summer 2016

Livet efter dig samt Arvet efter dig skrivna av Jojo Moyes, I varje ögonblick Ă€r vi fortfarande vid liv av Tom Malmquist, New-Delhi – BorĂ„s av Per J Andersson, 438 Dagar av Johan Persson & Martin Schibbye och slutligen GuantĂĄnamo En Dagbok av Mohamedou Ould Slahi (sammanstĂ€lld av Larry Siems).

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1.

July 5, 2016

Hair bun

How do I let things go?

Who am I?

I have so many questions and the two above are the key ones at the moment.

What’s my goal? A goal I can’t reach? That will keep going, through and with me, in life.
Something from deep within.

 

Gotta figure it out.

Somehow.

But it’s hard to take the first real step, when you don’t know how to take it.

 

Today’s song: When We Were Young by Adele.

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Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

May 28, 2016

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

This post is partly in English and partly in Swedish since I found the quotes from the book so good that I don’t even wanna translate them. I apologize for those of you who don’t understand Swedish..

I finished a book today, a book worth its own post. Frida Jonsson, a girl I studied with at University, has written Drogerna to min bror Min bror tog drogerna, and I ordered it right away, when she announced its release. Frida’s brother was addicted to drugs and went in and out of jail, the hospital, and treatment places. In the book you’ll read, from Fridas perspective, as younger sibling, how it has been for her to be part of a family that’s breaking apart for various reasons. To get the perspective of a sibling’s situation, Frida’s situation, and also to understand a bit of her way of seeing and facing addiction, grief, relationships, her life, and also the life of her whole family, is overwhelming, and touching. Frida is such a wise girl who has so much to share and so many smart thoughts to share that made me start thinking even more about my own life situation, and how I’m facing hard times, and my life in general. What kind of changes can I do, and how? If you know someone near you, suffering from drug addiction in any kind of way, or if you’d like to get a glimpse what it could be like to be in a situation like Frida, or if you’d just like to get some really awesome thoughts on a way of dealing with life, this is definitely a must read. It’s only available in Swedish as of right now (but who knows if there will be an English version later on!?).

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

“Syskon som anhöriga glöms ofta bort. BĂ„de av familjen och av samhĂ€llet – men ocksĂ„ av oss sjĂ€lva. Det viktigaste Ă€r att mamma, pappa och brorsan mĂ„r bra. Jag klarar mig alltid. Vi visar ofta förstĂ„else och vill inte hĂ€vda vĂ„ra behov. I ‘Min bror tog drogerna’ fĂ„r du som lĂ€sare inblick i hur det kan vara att ha ett syskon som försvinner allt lĂ€ngre in i drogernas vĂ€rld. Hur det kĂ€nns att bara stĂ„ bredvid och lĂ€ngta, vĂ€nta och undra. Boken Ă€r en Ă€rlig berĂ€ttelse om beundran och samhörighet. Om maktlöshet och förtvivlan. Om en syskonkĂ€rlek som aldrig dör”.

Frida shared some really good thoughts and wise words, that made me think about my life situation and how to face tough things in my life. Even though, what she was going through, isn’t really what I’m going through, or not at all, I can see similarities in thoughts and her words started a process inside of me that I can’t quite let go of.

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

 

Till dig, för att du Àr sÄ duktig.

Jag tror att mening med livet Àr att söka sin egen sanning. Inte ta nÄgon annans teori, inte köpa nÄgon annans sanning rakt av. Det Àr fusk, och kommer dÀrför inte funka. Utan fundera, reflektera och till sist formulera din EGEN teori. Din egen sanning; vad Àr meningen med livet, för MIG? Hur blir JAG lycklig? Men pÄ vÀgen till sin egen sanning kan man ta hjÀlp och inspireras av andra och till exempel den hÀr boken*. Men ingen Àr ju som DIG. Ingen har exakt dina upplevelser och erfarenheter. Ingen har exakt dina förutsÀttningar, dina möjligheter och förmÄgor. DÀrför mÄste du formulera din livsformel.

Ur Min bror tog drogerna, Frida Jonsson

*She had bought a book to her brother and referred to that one in this passage.

Ps. You can buy the book here.

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Birthday Girl

May 20, 2016

Bday

This picture was taken 30 years ago! Time flies…However, I’m turning 32 today and will celebrate as much as I can by gathering friends and family together and drink lots of beer. YEAH!

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when days turn out in a different, unexpected way

April 9, 2016

It’s been a pretty ok week with some challenges that have been good, but also have made me tired. However, it’s been totally worth it! But, it has its price and my energy level is pretty low, so Liz and I have decided, with consultation with my therapist, to cancel an event we were invited to today. I hate to cancel stuff, but sometimes, or all the time as of right now, I have to listen to my body and mind, when it’s telling me no. So instead of going to a big wedding party tonight, we’re staying home. I feel so bad about it, but also relieved since I truly don’t have the energy. Plus, we have major things coming up in just a few weeks with the celebrations of last of April here in Uppsala and the best, Liz’s cousin is coming here!! So excited about that!

So today, Liz and I are gonna take it easy, help a friend to do some shopping, watch movies at home, and just be. Exactly what I need.

Zola, our cat, is pretty damn good at taking care of herself, resting when she needs to, finding the sunny spots in life…such an inspiration, and something I should do too.

Hope you’re having a good weekend and try to take care of yourselves in the best possible way, promise me that ♄

A little mix

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wishes

January 28, 2016

The Beach.

I would like to…

  • Enjoy eating and drinking without anxiety and/or negative thoughts.
  • Like myself – feel that I’m ok the way I am.
  • Work again. I love my job and my co-workers, but my life and the sickness is not stable enough to manage a job right now.
  • Longboard and be pretty good at it.
  • Decorate our (as of right now non-existing) own apartment, downtown Uppsala.
  • Have trips planned and bought. Ex. Paris, Dublin, Berlin, and the States.
  • Be healthy and free from this stupid sickness. I hate you. Yes, Anorexia is something I truly HATE.
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Stressed out

January 10, 2016

Me

Just have a long list of stuff I’m worried and stressed out about right now in life…I miss feeling alive, creative, happy, and just full of energy. Now, it’s everything but that.

4 Comments

Welcome 2016

January 1, 2016

January 1st

I’m ready for you, 2016. A year I hope will bring more happiness, a better health, and many amazing adventures.

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Merry Christmas

December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas

Liz and I are at my parents’ place, celebrating the Swedish way on Christmas Eve and will celebrate the American way once we’re back in Uppsala. Hope you’re having a great time ♄

2 Comments

Weekend challenges, Sunday morning, and exciting stuff

November 22, 2015

Me

Hi my amazing readers – this little kiss above is for you! ♄

You know what?! I DID IT! My challenge yesterday as I wrote a little bit about here. Liz and I went downtown after lunch and did some errands and then headed to a cafe. I didn’t want to write about it in detail beforehand for some reason, but now, when I’ve done it, I will. The challenge was for me to drink a latte or something (read: not plain coffee at a cafe), and I did! It was something I’d planned with my therapist and nutritionist to do just in order to be more flexible when being out and about so I don’t feel like I have to run home at the exact time for my snack, but can have it wherever I am. Just to be clear, a latte is actually not completely enough as a snack for me at the moment, and the next step is to eat something with it, but you have to do this step by step, and this was the first one. Yes. I even enjoyed it a little bit!

So it’s Sunday morning. Pretty early and we’ve been up for a while. I have a weird sleep schedule nowadays which I’m not a huge fan of…but oh, well. As of right now, though, I am enjoying sitting here, blogging with candles lit, coffee beside me, and a cozy cat in my lap.

We have some exciting plans this afternoon, but once again, I’ll leave it as a little cliff hanger since I don’t really know what the outcome will be, and therefore, is better to tell you all afterwords. Hehe, pretty mean perhaps..I do really wanna write about it..but at the same time it feels a bit weird doing it before I know more stuff..so to be continued.

Love to you all!

22 Comments

A chilly Saturday

November 21, 2015

Morning coffee

Good morning!

This is how I started off this chilly Saturday – a yummy cup of coffee. It’s beautiful out today so Liz and I might go out a little bit later on – most likely downtown. I’m not really allowed to walk around a lot, but to go downtown, for a challenge, is ok. But we’ll see. It’s the plan, but it also has to feel ok so it won’t turn in to a “fall back” or that I compensate it in any way.

However, the morning has been cozy, and I’m about to get into the new puzzle I bought and started the other day. We’re also gonna inventory our Christmas box in the basement that we brought with us when we moved from the States to see what we need (read: we most likely need Swedish electric chords for our stars that we’re gonna hang in our windows next weekend).

In this household, it’s really important to celebrate Thanksgiving before any Christmas stuff hangs up or anything is being decorated in the apartment. I actually really like that tradition and I also grew up with pretty much no decoration before First of Advent. The same goes with Christmas music. Nothing is being played until the end of next week (Thanksgiving is next Thursday, but we’re gonna celebrate it next Friday since it’s not a holiday here, and the family we’ve invited to Thanksgiving dinner work Thursday and Friday). So in a week from now, Liz and I will be in full force decorating our home. Fun and exciting. I’ll probably do another post about the decoration theme we’ve decided to go with this year. Yes, we’re that into this, with a Christmas-based decorating theme. A hint though is that this year will be minimalistic, clean, Nordic, and white. Love it!

Ok, time to move on with the puzzle and then after lunch, head out for some challenges. Hope you’re having a good Saturday! ♄

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A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♄.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?

quote

Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♄

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Dream or goal life and American little sister

October 29, 2015

Homework stuff.

We have some group treatment at the day treatment as well, and not only individual sessions. Today, we got this homework of creating or rather splitting up the circle on the piece of paper above, into different pieces such as family, interests, health, work etc. How we want our life to look, as opposed to how it is now, where the eating disorder is now taking such a huge part of this circle. So this is what I’m working on this afternoon, while my amazing wife is doing laundry, cooking dinner, and earlier cleaned the apartment. Isn’t she amazing or what?! I’m one lucky girl.

Other than this, it’s been a pretty tough week with new challenges since I’ve eaten a bigger snack in the evening and now cooked food for dinner since Monday. Thursdays are always hard also due to the weigh-ins. But, it’s time to face my big fears, work on them, and then continue working on other things in life so the eating disorder won’t come back again.

On to something more positive and fun that’s happening very soon! My American little sister is heading our way, arriving tonight in Uppsala. I’m so excited to see her!! She’s from Minnesota, USA, but has been living in China for some years, and is now studying in Berlin! Our families have been friends since the 80’s, and she and her sister (at different times) have been exchange students in Sweden, living with my parents. My actual sister has been an au pair in their family in the States, their parents have lived and worked in Sweden, I’ve celebrated Christmas and New Years with them, and then they’ve been back to Sweden a few times visiting and so on. I see her as my extra sister, along with her older sister as well. Yep, that’s a short summary of why I have an American “little sister” (or actually two). <3

Ok, time to get into the homework…

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Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe.

October 20, 2015

She saw and felt that all I needed was to breathe in the crisp fall air and soak up the sunny weather. To just be able to leave everything for a bit. She led me to the stairs, gave me a warm hug, and said we’d talk more on Monday morning. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe and just be. To let stuff pass and hopefully experience better times, and then better times again, and then even better later on. Today, I’m extra thankful for some people that are in my life right now. ♄ – From my Instagram account last Friday.

Friday was pretty hard, as it feels like I’m writing about every day and every week here…but that’s how it is right now, so I’m just being honest. It was so bad, so all I needed was to get out of the situation, place myself somewhere else, preferably outside in the fresh air since it was hard to breathe, and just soak up the sun, and the beauty of the outside. Life. I left the building, went to the city park here in town, and just looked around me at all the beauty, tried to refocus, and waited on Liz to come and meet up with me. What a better way to focus on the moment right there where I was than by taking pictures. So I did.

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Untitled

Fall in the park

Untitled

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