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A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?


Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♥


November 17, 2014

Found this on a blog (and it’s pretty much everywhere on the internet) and fell in love with it.



Source, Google.

You will make it, it will work out, and it will happen!

March 21, 2013
“No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where 
you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have
a unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a
purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they
will happen. Persist and persevere, your desired path remains possible.”

– Brad Gast

Sunday morning madness!

March 10, 2013

I survived last night, fell asleep pretty fast, and for once slept good! YES! But I’m not gonna focus more on that, the past. It’s Sunday morning (or soon noon here in Sweden) and Liz is at work which means it’s only me and Zola, the cat, at home. What to do…?! Clean! Yes, I’m a little “OCD” when it comes to having it cleaned and organized around me. Hehe. So once I’ve finished this post, music will be playing, and the cleaning will be underway. Perhaps I’ll go and buy some fresh flowers and then have an amazing afternoon together with Liz. No plans yet, but we’ll see. Perhaps take a long walk in the beautiful weather or just stay at home and relax. Anyway, it’s gonna be a good day, and I’m feeling ok! What are you up to this Sunday?


Pic from here.


October 28, 2012

I have so many projects going on in my life right now, and dreams I’m working on! Unfortunately, I can’t tell you about everything yet, but will for sure when I know more about everything (and when my dream hopefully is about to be reached). Until then, I need to work hard, and put every single effort I have into everything. All the work and the efforts will be so worth it in the end. So, as you probably can see here on the blog, it’s all about dreams right now. And why not try to fulfill your dream or dreams – you only live once!