I made a video the other day where I’m doing an unboxing, and talking about my eating disorder. Check it out ↓
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe ♥
I made a video the other day where I’m doing an unboxing, and talking about my eating disorder. Check it out ↓
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe ♥
I woke up with a pretty heavy feeling inside of me today. My energy level is pretty low nowadays, due to new routines/changes in my life.
Once I had gotten up to a higher energy level, life changed, and I need to face the exhausted feelings again. But I know it’s worth it. Because this is life, not where I was a year ago, five years ago, or even ten years ago. However, there’s so much going on right now, things I cannot control, fun stuff, tough stuff…and where am I in all of this? I have no idea. Who am I? How do you figure out who you are? How do you know your identity? What is identity? How would you describe yourself? I don’t know. I feel pretty lost right now. But perhaps, time will show, ride this wave, and I will explore more and more. The hard part, though, is to have patience enough, to let this take its time.
This past weekend hasn’t been the greatest one in history. I haven’t stepped outside at all, not wanted to show myself for anyone, and just felt anxious and bad. I truly hate when those days come, and I’m not that great at taking care of me/them either. Basically, I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away, which isn’t really good since I probably need to take care and face my emotions/feelings. So I’m gonna try to change the thoughts now…because they’re still there.
Hope you’re having a good beginning of the week ♥
Guys, guess what I’m doing today!!! I’m gonna start working a little bit again, after nearly a year of being on the sick list full time. I’ll take it really slowly in the beginning, and will just be at work a couple of hours every day. I’m pumped, excited, but also nervous in some way. Just like it “should” be, I guess.
At least, I’m not gonna work with stressful deadlines and have any direct contact with customers in the beginning. Instead, I am going to work within the company, such as, promoting it in on social media. Gonna be so much fun! I love social media, and to be able to work with it, is awesome. Like a dream. I feel so creative and inspired right now.
So from now on, I’ll work a tiny bit again, and I think we all (my therapist, mentor, Liz, the doctor, my job, and I) all have a great plan for me. And I’m gonna start saying that my position at work is not only as a Graphic Designer, but also as a Social Media Coordinator.
How do I let things go?
Who am I?
I have so many questions and the two above are the key ones at the moment.
What’s my goal? A goal I can’t reach? That will keep going, through and with me, in life.
Something from deep within.
Gotta figure it out.
But it’s hard to take the first real step, when you don’t know how to take it.
Today’s song: When We Were Young by Adele.
It’s been a pretty ok week with some challenges that have been good, but also have made me tired. However, it’s been totally worth it! But, it has its price and my energy level is pretty low, so Liz and I have decided, with consultation with my therapist, to cancel an event we were invited to today. I hate to cancel stuff, but sometimes, or all the time as of right now, I have to listen to my body and mind, when it’s telling me no. So instead of going to a big wedding party tonight, we’re staying home. I feel so bad about it, but also relieved since I truly don’t have the energy. Plus, we have major things coming up in just a few weeks with the celebrations of last of April here in Uppsala and the best, Liz’s cousin is coming here!! So excited about that!
So today, Liz and I are gonna take it easy, help a friend to do some shopping, watch movies at home, and just be. Exactly what I need.
Zola, our cat, is pretty damn good at taking care of herself, resting when she needs to, finding the sunny spots in life…such an inspiration, and something I should do too.
Hope you’re having a good weekend and try to take care of yourselves in the best possible way, promise me that ♥
March 2nd was the last time I posted something here on the blog. That was 25 days ago, and the weeks before that were like having mountain of hell to climb before us. But Liz and I did it. We climbed and have now, not reached the top (because I don’t want to think of life where you reach a top and then it’s done), but are now soaking up a beautiful view, and are enjoying life so much more since we are settled in our amazing apartment!
A lot of things have changed in my life since last time I wrote. I’m signed out from day treatment, after having been at the hospital every weekday for a little bit more than five months. It’s been hard to get used to being home more and to stand on my own feet. Luckily and thankfully, I have an amazing wife who’s helping me. I also have some other support and still, of course, I am seeing my therapist from the hospital on a weekly basis.
Since we haven’t had any Internet the past month, I haven’t really read any blogs…so I’m catching up on a few now. Not all of them since it will most likely be around, if not more, hundreds of posts to read and that overwhelms me. But, I’ve chosen a few to read, the ones who write about everyday life. That’s what I need right now. To get inspired and to challenge myself to do life stuff. The sickness is stopping me from living my life and I miss it. But even though I miss it, it’s hard to just do it, to do the things I actually love to do. Isn’t it sad? It makes me really sad to think about it (which in itself is a good sign!).
I’ve been enriched with new friendships lately, friends who are going through a similar sickness I’m going through. And the most amazing part of having these new friendships are that we understand and know each other on a level that no one else knows. We’ve been going through a similar hell at the hospital, but we’re now out of that, fighting for everyday life based from home. What’s so important with these friendships is that we’re always supporting each other, we’re always there for each other, pepping, sharing happy moments, and sharing sad moments. Not bringing each other down, but fighting together towards a healthy life, where the sickness is taking up less and less space in our lives.
Back to the blogs I’ve been catching up on. For the first time, in a really long time, I can feel a true longing to actually challenge myself, or the sickness, and to do the things that the sickness is screaming at me to not do. But Lina, somewhere deep inside, wants to. I’m not talking about major adventures, what you might think is huge in your life. I’m talking about the smaller everyday things that you might do without even thinking about it, but what takes for me, perhaps weeks to plan, talked through with my therapist and/or Liz, planned in detail, back up plans…the list can go on.
I’ve started doing some life-things now. For example, to go and sit in a cafe, to go to the movies, to walk downtown by myself, eat at a restaurant, drink alcohol, eat “forbidden” stuff… Now, I’m not doing all these things everyday, I still need to plan everything in detail, but I’ve started reaching out to life again. Which I haven’t done, at this “level”, for a very long time. What’s so sad, or perhaps it’s good too, is that people who don’t suffer from an eating disorder, who don’t think and analyze or plan everyday things, might not think about how hard and tough it is for me, since I’m there doing the things. But behind the scenes, things are planned, talked through, and have had my thoughts for days, or sometimes, weeks. However, I do believe, that to keep doing these tough things, will eventually lead to it being more easily done, and later on not thought through or planned as much. And the eating disorder will have smaller place in me while doing these things. It’s sort of learning by doing. I have to relearn how to live my life in a sense. A life where the eating disorder doesn’t take up 110% of Lina. And doesn’t take over and away life.
So just because I’m not in the hospital anymore, it doesn’t mean that I’m done with treatment. It’s actually more the opposite. It’s now that my tough treatment is starting because it is in my everyday life, without the safety of the hospital walls. But, I have to live my life. Challenge myself. Put myself into situations where I’m not comfortable at all. Because one day, one day, it will be an amazing experience, and there will not be a dark cloud of anxiety hanging over me.
So with this post, I just wanted to share a little of what it is like being outside the hospital, still on the sicklist for months, and how it is to fight every single day, several times a day… just give you a picture what I’m working on now..
I’m fighting to get life back. An everyday life without anxiety and without an eating disorder taking over completely. One day, I will be free.
I would like to…
Crazy. It’s been a while since I last posted something here on the blog. Oh, well. My life has been pretty intense, but not, at the same time. To be honest, it’s been pretty tough lately, but I keep fighting, trying to follow what the professionals and Liz are telling me to do. However, there are some struggles that are really hard right now, and it’s not really helping that day treatment is closed for about two weeks!! I understand the professionals need some time off too when the holiday is kicking in, but this is also a really tough period when having an eating disorder…
Friday was the last day for some of the girls at treatment as well, so it was really sad to say goodbye to them, and also to say goodbye to the girls who I’ll not see on a daily basis for a few weeks, like the past months. You get so used to the everyday schedule at the hospital with amazing people around you, and then suddenly, you don’t have them around you. I miss my heroes. Because that’s what they are, the other girls (well the professionals too), but gaaaah, I feel so much for the other patients. Ok, enough with that talk..I’m getting really emotional now.
Liz and I had some cozy time here at home with my brother, his wife, my cousin, her boyfriend, and my extra big brother (my real brother’s best friend). We drank Glögg (mulled wine which is a major Swedish holiday drink), ate some snacks, chatted, and played a quiz that Liz and I had put together earlier in the day. So much fun! We filmed some during the day so lets check it out instead of me trying to describe it.
Here we go! (for better quality, check out the video directly on my channel on Vimeo → here)
Hi my amazing readers – this little kiss above is for you! ♥
You know what?! I DID IT! My challenge yesterday as I wrote a little bit about here. Liz and I went downtown after lunch and did some errands and then headed to a cafe. I didn’t want to write about it in detail beforehand for some reason, but now, when I’ve done it, I will. The challenge was for me to drink a latte or something (read: not plain coffee at a cafe), and I did! It was something I’d planned with my therapist and nutritionist to do just in order to be more flexible when being out and about so I don’t feel like I have to run home at the exact time for my snack, but can have it wherever I am. Just to be clear, a latte is actually not completely enough as a snack for me at the moment, and the next step is to eat something with it, but you have to do this step by step, and this was the first one. Yes. I even enjoyed it a little bit!
So it’s Sunday morning. Pretty early and we’ve been up for a while. I have a weird sleep schedule nowadays which I’m not a huge fan of…but oh, well. As of right now, though, I am enjoying sitting here, blogging with candles lit, coffee beside me, and a cozy cat in my lap.
We have some exciting plans this afternoon, but once again, I’ll leave it as a little cliff hanger since I don’t really know what the outcome will be, and therefore, is better to tell you all afterwords. Hehe, pretty mean perhaps..I do really wanna write about it..but at the same time it feels a bit weird doing it before I know more stuff..so to be continued.
Love to you all!
This is how I started off this chilly Saturday – a yummy cup of coffee. It’s beautiful out today so Liz and I might go out a little bit later on – most likely downtown. I’m not really allowed to walk around a lot, but to go downtown, for a challenge, is ok. But we’ll see. It’s the plan, but it also has to feel ok so it won’t turn in to a “fall back” or that I compensate it in any way.
However, the morning has been cozy, and I’m about to get into the new puzzle I bought and started the other day. We’re also gonna inventory our Christmas box in the basement that we brought with us when we moved from the States to see what we need (read: we most likely need Swedish electric chords for our stars that we’re gonna hang in our windows next weekend).
In this household, it’s really important to celebrate Thanksgiving before any Christmas stuff hangs up or anything is being decorated in the apartment. I actually really like that tradition and I also grew up with pretty much no decoration before First of Advent. The same goes with Christmas music. Nothing is being played until the end of next week (Thanksgiving is next Thursday, but we’re gonna celebrate it next Friday since it’s not a holiday here, and the family we’ve invited to Thanksgiving dinner work Thursday and Friday). So in a week from now, Liz and I will be in full force decorating our home. Fun and exciting. I’ll probably do another post about the decoration theme we’ve decided to go with this year. Yes, we’re that into this, with a Christmas-based decorating theme. A hint though is that this year will be minimalistic, clean, Nordic, and white. Love it!
Ok, time to move on with the puzzle and then after lunch, head out for some challenges. Hope you’re having a good Saturday! ♥
Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.
Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.
Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…
Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.
I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.
And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.
I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?
Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).
Love to you all ♥
We have some group treatment at the day treatment as well, and not only individual sessions. Today, we got this homework of creating or rather splitting up the circle on the piece of paper above, into different pieces such as family, interests, health, work etc. How we want our life to look, as opposed to how it is now, where the eating disorder is now taking such a huge part of this circle. So this is what I’m working on this afternoon, while my amazing wife is doing laundry, cooking dinner, and earlier cleaned the apartment. Isn’t she amazing or what?! I’m one lucky girl.
Other than this, it’s been a pretty tough week with new challenges since I’ve eaten a bigger snack in the evening and now cooked food for dinner since Monday. Thursdays are always hard also due to the weigh-ins. But, it’s time to face my big fears, work on them, and then continue working on other things in life so the eating disorder won’t come back again.
On to something more positive and fun that’s happening very soon! My American little sister is heading our way, arriving tonight in Uppsala. I’m so excited to see her!! She’s from Minnesota, USA, but has been living in China for some years, and is now studying in Berlin! Our families have been friends since the 80’s, and she and her sister (at different times) have been exchange students in Sweden, living with my parents. My actual sister has been an au pair in their family in the States, their parents have lived and worked in Sweden, I’ve celebrated Christmas and New Years with them, and then they’ve been back to Sweden a few times visiting and so on. I see her as my extra sister, along with her older sister as well. Yep, that’s a short summary of why I have an American “little sister” (or actually two). <3
Ok, time to get into the homework…
Good morning! It’s right after 8am here and Sweden has changed to winter time so the time difference between the States (East Coast) and Sweden are only 5 hours now for one week, until the States changes time. I haven’t really felt the change that much, but probably will later on today when it’ll get darker earlier.
I’m sitting here on the couch in our living room, it’s pretty gray outside so I decided to light some candles for extra coziness, while I’m sipping my cup of coffee. We spent all Saturday at home and I organized papers, rested, and we also started watching a, for us, new TV series, Homeland. I like it so far. Today’s plans were first to perhaps go and check out the dream apartment since it’s a showing today, but we really can’t buy it now, so it’ll probably just be tough to see it in real life. So we’re skipping it. But we’re heading downtown after lunch to do a few errands (I might get another reward based on my reward system!) and to also get out a little bit. Other than that, we’re just gonna be home, probably watch some more Homeland/TV, and I’m gonna mentally prepare myself as much as possible for the upcoming week.
When you’re in treatment for an eating disorder, you eat from a really specific food schedule – based on times, amounts, and it’s all planned out exactly what you’re gonna eat. It’s also pretty common to not eat 100% in the beginning. For example, when I started day treatment, I only ate half of a full portion of the lunch there. It’s because you need to mentally get used to eating again and physically, your body needs to get used to the amount of foods, so you have to take it easy. I’ve been at 100% on my food schedule at day treatment for a little while now, but not at home (as the plan has been).
But it’s time to change gears now, and I have already begun by eating a bigger snack in the evening. However, starting Monday, I’m gonna eat cooked food for dinner (have had yogurt and müsli before)…so it’s a pretty big change which is really hard for me..or the eating disorder. Mind and body are not connected, and the eating disorder is screaming not to eat, while Lina knows that this is the healthy way to go, so every single meal is a huge battle that no one else, who hasn’t had an eating disorder, can really understand. But I’m trying to share a few things here, so hopefully you readers, will get an insight as to what it is like.
Speaking of food, I believe it’s time to prepare breakfast now…
She saw and felt that all I needed was to breathe in the crisp fall air and soak up the sunny weather. To just be able to leave everything for a bit. She led me to the stairs, gave me a warm hug, and said we’d talk more on Monday morning. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe and just be. To let stuff pass and hopefully experience better times, and then better times again, and then even better later on. Today, I’m extra thankful for some people that are in my life right now. ♥ – From my Instagram account last Friday.
Friday was pretty hard, as it feels like I’m writing about every day and every week here…but that’s how it is right now, so I’m just being honest. It was so bad, so all I needed was to get out of the situation, place myself somewhere else, preferably outside in the fresh air since it was hard to breathe, and just soak up the sun, and the beauty of the outside. Life. I left the building, went to the city park here in town, and just looked around me at all the beauty, tried to refocus, and waited on Liz to come and meet up with me. What a better way to focus on the moment right there where I was than by taking pictures. So I did.
Finally was able to buy tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert (after hours of being in line!)
The week has just been a major blur, where I’ve had zero energy more than making it back and forth to the hospital. I’ve literally just been on the couch the rest of the time, which my main nurse also told me to do – no physically activity. While it’s been necessary, it’s also been pretty hard dealing with this state of not doing anything. I get so restless, but am so tired, and yet I can’t sleep good. It’s a catch-22.
After last weekend, Liz and I decided to not have any plans at all this weekend. We’ve been watching a lot of Netflix, and yesterday we were working hard on getting tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert in June 2016! The arena in Gothenburg seats around 75 000 people (perhaps a few less since the stage takes up some space), and we stood in line (online) to stand in line (online) in order to buy the tickets. When it was 12 o’clock, the website where you ordered the tickets, was overloaded with people wanting to buy tickets. At one point it said on their Facebook page that there were around 95 000 freaking people trying to buy tickets at the same time on their website. 95 000!!!! And then, think of each of them buying at least two tickets each. I realized, with our waiting time in line (more than an hour), we weren’t gonna get any tickets… Suddenly, the artist decided to added a second concert the next day, and luckily we got tickets to that one (after bing in line for around 4 hours in total, working on three different computers at the same time!), with pretty good seats as well! Woo hoo! A friend of mine and her sister are going too so we’re gonna have a little road trip to Gothenburg then. Can’t wait! Anyhow, once we’ve gotten the tickets, my life turned out to be a little bit more glorious for a bit, even though the concert is not until June. Hehe.
We’re also making some travel plans to the States for next summer and a possible beach week with the American family which is making me beyond excited!! Cross your fingers it will happen and that we’re gonna rent the house at the beach we had last time, right on the beach of North Carolina – I love it! Today, Sunday, we’ve been doing some major cleaning at home and are just gonna watch TV tonight.
Hope you’ve had a great weekend!
It’s been such a pretty fall day here in Uppsala, Sweden. This is what it looked like this morning when I was walking to the hospital. This is the kind of fall weather I love – blue sky, the sun is shining, not crazy cold but enough to wear a cozy scarf and gloves etc. And then with all the colors and contrasts. Gaaah, I could keep going.
It’s been an ok day today, really tough parts, but also glimpses of positive, and good stuff. I just really appreciate all the other patients there, they’re so nice, and such heroes.
Bought some Lilies today, to cheer up my Monday!
Liz and I headed to Stockholm right after my day in treatment Friday afternoon. It had been a crazy day there with a lot of tough things that had happened, which I will not get into here as of right now. Anyhow, we hopped on the train to Stockholm, checked into our hotel, and headed to my sister in law’s sister. The sister had turned 40 and we were invited to celebrate her, among with other family and friends. It was so much fun with a crazy crowd of interesting people! How I love to talk with new people and I always feel so fortunate to learn more about areas and subjects that I might not know that much about. So cool. It was a great evening and I managed to follow the plans that were made up for food and drink. So far, so good.
We came back to the hotel pretty late in the evening, went to bed, and slept. Saturday morning, I woke up, and my body pretty much shut down. Again, not gonna get into details, but I was not hung over (I wasn’t drunk Friday night and I felt physically ok during Friday evening). But my body pretty much physically collapsed and we were almost questioning whether to call an ambulance or to just figure out other strategies. We made some phone calls, and talked with a nurse who’s a friend of mine, who gave us some good tips. I was not in shape to doing anything more than lie down in bed. It was horrible and I’ve never ever experienced anything like this before.
We had to check out, after Liz had extended the time some, and took a cab out to our friends’ home. They were also the ones we were gonna go to a concert with on Saturday evening. I crashed on their couch and got up close to when it was time to leave for the concert, which was also the reason why we stayed in Stockholm over the night. I thought that the concert was gonna be something good for my soul to experience and just gonna be something positive, especially after the collapse, so I was determined to go and to not cancel another thing in life due to my eating disorder. I made it through the concert and our friends were so kind and drove us to the train station afterwards so we could catch the train back to where we live.
Sunday, was all about relaxing on the couch and trying to get some strength back. My main nurse at the hospital has also told me to not be physically active in any way as of right now, in order to let my body get as much rest as possible.
So the Stockholm weekend, didn’t exactly turn out the way we wanted, but I’m feeling a bit better now, and I have people checking on me at the hospital, so there’s no need to worry right now. It just turned out to be too much to handle, I believe, with the Friday madness at treatment, the dinner and being social Friday night (which was plenty fun, but it sucked out a lot of my energy at the same time), and then being away from home, and the stress that comes with that. Too much for my body to handle.
I wanted to share some pictures from Stockholm (or mainly the concert) with you all, but will do that in another post instead. This turned out to be so long. So, there was an update about my weekend..
Love to you all, my amazing readers and supporters ♥
I think that this is one of my major mantras and mottos right now in my life.
one day at a time
If people ask me about things coming up several days ahead, I get stressed out, simply because I know how many things that are lying ahead of me that stresses me out. Therefore, it’s really important for me, at least nowadays, to just focus on the day it is. Another reason for this motto is, again, and I can’t stress it enough, to really live in the present and to make the best of it right then. Because that’s all we can do. We can’t change the past, and we don’t know for 100% about the future. But what we have is now. Just a little, but such an important (I think) thought I’d share with you all this Saturday ♥
Hope you’re having a great weekend!
I was gonna write something really peppy, inspiring, and fun…but to be honest, it has been pretty crappy this week so far, and it’s just tough right now, so this Wednesday is just a short note that some days are just like this, but it can just get better then! (Oh, look at that! I sneaked in something peppy!).
Love to you all who patiently come back here and read ♥
So I believe I mentioned not too long ago about a strategy of mine (or perhaps I didn’t hint about it? anyhow..) when it comes to treatment and motivation. Because even though I want Lina and my life back again, and so forth, the motivation is really hard to find when I’m facing the toughest things right now. So, in order to get some motivation started, I have a strategy in order to reach some goals. I need to structure it a tiny bit more, but in general, the point is that I’m gonna be allowed to buy something, a treat/reward for myself, when I’ve reached a goal. I’m not gonna get into detail with the various goals because I need to organize and structure them a bit more, as I said. However, I reached one goal on Friday last week, and I decided that my reward would be to order make up (which I also needed). This idea to buy something in order for me to reach different goals is not something I’m gonna keep doing forever, because my motivation needs to be based on something more deep than that, but at this point, right now, this is something, an extra push I need, to hopefully experience a deeper and truer motivation later on.
Ok, enough explaining and let’s check out what I bought!
Thought of sharing a little summary of the weekend, since I wasn’t really looking forward to it when Friday came along and I was gonna be by myself. I even told my nurse that all I wanted was to lay down in bed and wake up on Monday again. Yes, that’s how I felt about it all. BUT I have to say that the weekend turned out to be way better than I expected and I’m gonna give myself credit for that! Lina vs. eating disorder, 1-0. Bam.
I actually cancelled my little plan for Friday night, which was to hang out with my cousin. I was so tired after my first week of treatment so I decided to just be by myself at home. It wasn’t that great at all, though, with a lot of anxiety and crap. But I made it through, watched the Swedish Idol, and went to bed in decent time. Zola was really sweet and laid on me when I was falling a sleep (she is in a phase where she’s not hanging out in bed so it was pretty huge that she did that)! She probably felt how I was feeling.
I woke up and decided to clean the whole apartment, which took a while. Afterwards, I read blogs, and sat by the computer for a while. Since I had canceled my plans on Friday, my cousin and I decided to see each other on Saturday instead, so she came by and had coffee with me in the afternoon and stayed for some hours. It was really cozy to just be together and chat. She left around 6.30pm, and at 7.30pm, my sister-in-law came by, and later on our friend as well, and the three of us headed to a party. YES! I’d been invited to this party for some weeks now, and was freaking out about it a lot to be honest. However, I discussed and planned it with my nurse on Friday morning, just to make it as safe as possible for me to go if I decided to. With some encouragement from my sister-in-law, I decided to go and I’m SO GLAD I did. They were all so so so sweet, I had a great time, and didn’t come home until pretty late!
Slept pretty long due to Saturday night’s adventure, got up, and made plans with my cousin again. It’s so important to me right now to have some plans every now and then, otherwise I’ll just stay home and get even more anti-social and anxious about being out. So around 1pm, we met up with our bikes, and headed out to a store where she was gonna buy shoes, and then we headed over to IKEA and I did some minor shopping. I just stayed home the rest of the day due to exhaustion, with the exception to go and meet up Liz at the train station when she came back to town! So glad she’s home again and everything is back to normal.
I have to say that I think I did pretty good on the social parts during the weekend. There are some other things that didn’t really work out that great, but that’s another story, and something I have to deal with this week.
It’s Saturday morning. Something I used to enjoy, and still do sometimes, but this weekend is hard. Really tough to be honest. I feel like I’m being challenged way too much and too soon, than I’m ready for. I’m in fact home alone (well, Zola is here of course, which is actually pretty awesome, she’s such a good cat) this weekend since Liz is starting her new class, which you can read more about here on her blog. However, there’s no way I wanted her to skip this, and I’m so unbelievably happy and excited for my wife following her dream!
I tried to make some plans with some people this weekend. I truly tried, but haven’t heard from them anything more (yet), since last time I contacted them, so I take it as a sign that they have other plans – probably more fun than hanging out with me anyway, to be honest. If you happen to read this, don’t feel bad about it. Ok. I have also cancelled and rescheduled a few things this weekend, because I have no energy (or the eating disorder told me to…or it could perhaps be both reasons). One would think you get more energy with the food I’m eating at treatment, which I get, but the body is also working hard taking care of it, and therefore I get tired.
I just feel like a piece of shit right now to be honest and I don’t ever wish anyone to ever deal with an eating disorder because it’s hell and not a life to live at all. Yet, here I’m stuck again, in this monster. But I have a fantastic main contact nurse (thank goodness for her!!), a great day treatment group, and I’m lucky to be able to get this help right now in life. Now it’s “just” to take this fight every d*mn meal, every day, every week, every month…
That’s all for now. I don’t really have anything fun to add to this rather depressed post. Oh, I do have one thing! I’m gonna drink coffee with my wonderful cousin later on today, that’s making me smile, and warming my heart. Love and credit to her for wanting to be with me ♥.
Just as light can shine from this lamp we have hanging by our desk, light will come back to my life soon, I hope. Today, I’ve spent my first day at the day treatment at the hospital here in town. It’s been overwhelming, tough at times (or all the time), but I know that’s when Lina is fighting hard to not let the sickness take over completely. This will be good. This will help Lina to come back to life, to take over again, and then hopefully a big piece in my life puzzle will be found, placed, and at peace. And things will be sorted out better in my life. I totally trust my main caregiver/nurse. It feels like we have a good connection, and that she will be a great support in this process of getting healthy, to get back to a life again. The group seems to be great as well. Such heroes, all of them, in my eyes. ♥
My look when we went out to celebrate Liz’s birthday last Thursday
The start of the day treatment was moved a week back due to kitchen renovations at the hospital. This means that tomorrow, Monday, will be my first day there and I’m freaked out, thankful, and I don’t know what..but that’s ok. Gotta feel what I feel and not shut the emotions off. Easier said than done. I’ve been at the clinic a few times, though, these past weeks, met with some caregivers, some other girls in the day treatment group, and some other faces. Feels good to have a better, or a little bit more of a picture of it all, before I start.
Things are rolling here, not really that great to be honest, but I’m trying to challenge myself, and I do have some ideas in order to motivate me even more when it comes to this everyday long fight that’s coming up (lately, the eating disorder has steered everything pretty much…but it’s mostly gonna be over from Monday and forwards, with help of professionals, which feels good and really scary and stressful at the same time..but I need it). But more about that another day.
Hope you’ll have a great start of the week!
Just because she’s one of the best supports right now ♥
I thought of sharing a list of things to do when you need to distract yourself, things I usually do when things are hard, or when I basically need to refocus.
I haven’t really shared much about deep emotions, thoughts, and how things are. I usually don’t write a whole lot about it, either, on a regular basis; but I thought I could update you a little bit now, because things are changing in life.
I haven’t been myself at all lately. Or let’s say, since May I’ve felt I’ve lost myself more and more. It began with the shock of coming back to Sweden or perhaps the grief about have to leave something that I knew I would never exactly be able to come back to – the life I had in the States. Still, I was really, really excited about starting to work here in Sweden as a graphic designer – my dream job! I love LOVE my job and this is the hardest part to write down…I’m taking a break from work for a few months, taking care of myself, focusing on myself, and finding Lina again.
Health goes first, and how I live now is not good for me. It’s a bad spiral downward and it needs to be stopped now, before it gets too deep down. So, I will get professional help every day to support me in this. The hospital will be my second home. I’ll be there during the daytimes, for the next few months now; and for once and for all, the eating disorder sh*t will get kicked out and be forced to leave me alone. I hate this sickness and I miss Lina too. But she will come back, stronger than ever!