To get this in a text from a close friend, warms my soul & heart <3
To get this in a text from a close friend, warms my soul & heart <3
I made a video the other day where I’m doing an unboxing, and talking about my eating disorder. Check it out ↓
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe ♥
I woke up with a pretty heavy feeling inside of me today. My energy level is pretty low nowadays, due to new routines/changes in my life.
Once I had gotten up to a higher energy level, life changed, and I need to face the exhausted feelings again. But I know it’s worth it. Because this is life, not where I was a year ago, five years ago, or even ten years ago. However, there’s so much going on right now, things I cannot control, fun stuff, tough stuff…and where am I in all of this? I have no idea. Who am I? How do you figure out who you are? How do you know your identity? What is identity? How would you describe yourself? I don’t know. I feel pretty lost right now. But perhaps, time will show, ride this wave, and I will explore more and more. The hard part, though, is to have patience enough, to let this take its time.
This past weekend hasn’t been the greatest one in history. I haven’t stepped outside at all, not wanted to show myself for anyone, and just felt anxious and bad. I truly hate when those days come, and I’m not that great at taking care of me/them either. Basically, I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away, which isn’t really good since I probably need to take care and face my emotions/feelings. So I’m gonna try to change the thoughts now…because they’re still there.
Hope you’re having a good beginning of the week ♥
YOU create your own possibilities
Guys, guess what I’m doing today!!! I’m gonna start working a little bit again, after nearly a year of being on the sick list full time. I’ll take it really slowly in the beginning, and will just be at work a couple of hours every day. I’m pumped, excited, but also nervous in some way. Just like it “should” be, I guess.
At least, I’m not gonna work with stressful deadlines and have any direct contact with customers in the beginning. Instead, I am going to work within the company, such as, promoting it in on social media. Gonna be so much fun! I love social media, and to be able to work with it, is awesome. Like a dream. I feel so creative and inspired right now.
So from now on, I’ll work a tiny bit again, and I think we all (my therapist, mentor, Liz, the doctor, my job, and I) all have a great plan for me. And I’m gonna start saying that my position at work is not only as a Graphic Designer, but also as a Social Media Coordinator.
How do I let things go?
Who am I?
I have so many questions and the two above are the key ones at the moment.
What’s my goal? A goal I can’t reach? That will keep going, through and with me, in life.
Something from deep within.
Gotta figure it out.
But it’s hard to take the first real step, when you don’t know how to take it.
Today’s song: When We Were Young by Adele.
It’s been a pretty ok week with some challenges that have been good, but also have made me tired. However, it’s been totally worth it! But, it has its price and my energy level is pretty low, so Liz and I have decided, with consultation with my therapist, to cancel an event we were invited to today. I hate to cancel stuff, but sometimes, or all the time as of right now, I have to listen to my body and mind, when it’s telling me no. So instead of going to a big wedding party tonight, we’re staying home. I feel so bad about it, but also relieved since I truly don’t have the energy. Plus, we have major things coming up in just a few weeks with the celebrations of last of April here in Uppsala and the best, Liz’s cousin is coming here!! So excited about that!
So today, Liz and I are gonna take it easy, help a friend to do some shopping, watch movies at home, and just be. Exactly what I need.
Zola, our cat, is pretty damn good at taking care of herself, resting when she needs to, finding the sunny spots in life…such an inspiration, and something I should do too.
Hope you’re having a good weekend and try to take care of yourselves in the best possible way, promise me that ♥
March 2nd was the last time I posted something here on the blog. That was 25 days ago, and the weeks before that were like having mountain of hell to climb before us. But Liz and I did it. We climbed and have now, not reached the top (because I don’t want to think of life where you reach a top and then it’s done), but are now soaking up a beautiful view, and are enjoying life so much more since we are settled in our amazing apartment!
A lot of things have changed in my life since last time I wrote. I’m signed out from day treatment, after having been at the hospital every weekday for a little bit more than five months. It’s been hard to get used to being home more and to stand on my own feet. Luckily and thankfully, I have an amazing wife who’s helping me. I also have some other support and still, of course, I am seeing my therapist from the hospital on a weekly basis.
Since we haven’t had any Internet the past month, I haven’t really read any blogs…so I’m catching up on a few now. Not all of them since it will most likely be around, if not more, hundreds of posts to read and that overwhelms me. But, I’ve chosen a few to read, the ones who write about everyday life. That’s what I need right now. To get inspired and to challenge myself to do life stuff. The sickness is stopping me from living my life and I miss it. But even though I miss it, it’s hard to just do it, to do the things I actually love to do. Isn’t it sad? It makes me really sad to think about it (which in itself is a good sign!).
I’ve been enriched with new friendships lately, friends who are going through a similar sickness I’m going through. And the most amazing part of having these new friendships are that we understand and know each other on a level that no one else knows. We’ve been going through a similar hell at the hospital, but we’re now out of that, fighting for everyday life based from home. What’s so important with these friendships is that we’re always supporting each other, we’re always there for each other, pepping, sharing happy moments, and sharing sad moments. Not bringing each other down, but fighting together towards a healthy life, where the sickness is taking up less and less space in our lives.
Back to the blogs I’ve been catching up on. For the first time, in a really long time, I can feel a true longing to actually challenge myself, or the sickness, and to do the things that the sickness is screaming at me to not do. But Lina, somewhere deep inside, wants to. I’m not talking about major adventures, what you might think is huge in your life. I’m talking about the smaller everyday things that you might do without even thinking about it, but what takes for me, perhaps weeks to plan, talked through with my therapist and/or Liz, planned in detail, back up plans…the list can go on.
I’ve started doing some life-things now. For example, to go and sit in a cafe, to go to the movies, to walk downtown by myself, eat at a restaurant, drink alcohol, eat “forbidden” stuff… Now, I’m not doing all these things everyday, I still need to plan everything in detail, but I’ve started reaching out to life again. Which I haven’t done, at this “level”, for a very long time. What’s so sad, or perhaps it’s good too, is that people who don’t suffer from an eating disorder, who don’t think and analyze or plan everyday things, might not think about how hard and tough it is for me, since I’m there doing the things. But behind the scenes, things are planned, talked through, and have had my thoughts for days, or sometimes, weeks. However, I do believe, that to keep doing these tough things, will eventually lead to it being more easily done, and later on not thought through or planned as much. And the eating disorder will have smaller place in me while doing these things. It’s sort of learning by doing. I have to relearn how to live my life in a sense. A life where the eating disorder doesn’t take up 110% of Lina. And doesn’t take over and away life.
So just because I’m not in the hospital anymore, it doesn’t mean that I’m done with treatment. It’s actually more the opposite. It’s now that my tough treatment is starting because it is in my everyday life, without the safety of the hospital walls. But, I have to live my life. Challenge myself. Put myself into situations where I’m not comfortable at all. Because one day, one day, it will be an amazing experience, and there will not be a dark cloud of anxiety hanging over me.
So with this post, I just wanted to share a little of what it is like being outside the hospital, still on the sicklist for months, and how it is to fight every single day, several times a day… just give you a picture what I’m working on now..
I’m fighting to get life back. An everyday life without anxiety and without an eating disorder taking over completely. One day, I will be free.
I would like to…