A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?

quote

Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♥

13 Comments

  • Reply Carissa November 10, 2015 at 2:36 AM

    So sorry to hear how hard it has been, Lina. 🙁 Thanks for letting us into the struggle a little bit with you. We all love you so much and believe you can beat this! Kramar!! <3

    • Reply Lier November 17, 2015 at 4:42 PM

      Thank you <3 Kramar

  • Reply Nicole November 10, 2015 at 9:38 AM

    This made me cry so much. Nobody should ever have to go through what you’re going through. I just want you to know that I think you’re beautiful and amazing. I know you don’t think so at the moment but you will. Keep fighting my dear because it will be sooooo worth it in the end. Don’t worry about not posting or replying to comments. I know you appreciate them. So just know that even if I don’t hear from you – I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. With all my love xx

    • Reply Lier November 17, 2015 at 4:41 PM

      Thank you for your kind words, Nicole! Deep inside I know that one day, it will be worth it..it’s just so hard to think like that every single time it’s hard. But I’m trying to see what it will bring me in the end. Thank you for the continued love and support you’re showing, not only me, but Liz as well. Love you and we’re thinking of you and your family as well. <3

  • Reply Anna Söderhjelm November 10, 2015 at 12:19 PM

    Tänker på dig Lina <3 Vet lite om vad du pratar om eftersom jag hade en ätstörning när jag var tonåring. Inte alls i samma utsträckning som du men jag kan förstå dina tankar och känslor och hur svårt det är när man ska få ihop sitt friska och sjuka jag.
    Kämpa vidare, jag tror på dig.
    Kram Anna

    • Reply Lier November 17, 2015 at 4:26 PM

      Tack fina du <3 Oavsett utsträckning så är det oerhört jobbigt för den som är drabbad..kloka ord och tankar besitter du också! Tack tack tack! Kramar

  • Reply Carly November 10, 2015 at 10:22 PM

    Hi LIna, I’ve been following along and just wanted to say I’m thinking of you, too. It’s not depressing, it’s good to write about it and let it all out and get support. I understand completely the feeling you get when you think you’ve defeated something only for it to come back again. I have that with anxiety and OCD. Sending lots of hugs and strength and healing your way!!!

    • Reply Lier November 17, 2015 at 4:38 PM

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and support! It means a lot to me! And I’ll keep your advice about not judging myself/being too hard on myself, close to my heart! It’s so easy to do the exact opposite.. Thinking of you and hope your struggles will be to the better, one day. Keep fighting <3

  • Reply Carly November 10, 2015 at 10:30 PM

    Another thought – I don’t know if this will help you but it helps me with my anxiety/OCD – DON”T JUDGE YOURSELF Don’t be hard on yourself, take it one day at a time and remember how much you are loved. Celebrate the small victories. <3

  • Reply Holly November 15, 2015 at 5:14 PM

    Lina, your honesty is amazing. I have no idea what your disorder must be like, but I love your honest approach here and I hope it helps you to write, and I’m sure there will be someone, someday reading this who it will really resonate with and you will help in your way tremendously.
    Reward yourself often and keep going forward. xxx

    • Reply Lier November 17, 2015 at 4:33 PM

      Thank you for your support, it touches my heart <3

  • Reply Gesine November 18, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    Thank you so much to let us take part or get a better understanding of how/what you are doing at the moment. In my eyes there is no need to apologize for that post. It is brave to be that honest and share your worries and all that with the people who read your blog. For me it is very interesting to get an inside view, even though I´m sure, I still can´t really grasp it. I just wish for you to get well and that you can be able to be the shining, joyful just wonderful Lina that I had the honour to meet so many times. xxx

    • Reply Lier November 21, 2015 at 8:17 PM

      Thank you so much for your sweet words, it’s warming my heart and soul <3

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