It was your due date today, July 28th and I have had so much anxiety and grief about this day for so long. We know she could have come earlier or later, but today is the day that we were counting down to. Ever since we decided to end the pregnancy, I have pretty much been crying every day at some point since January when we find out about how things were.
Some might think, or have even mistaken, it was a miscarriage. It wasn’t. We had to make the decision on our own, based on what all the tests showed and what the doctors said. It was horrible. We were also pretty far into the pregnancy which made it even worse to end it. It was a birth at the hospital, we held our Peanut and said goodbye to her, and she’s buried in Uppsala now.
This has been and is so hard to handle. All I see is other people being pregnant and having babies. I’m happy for their sake, but it hurts at the same time that we never got to experience it all. It’s also so hard to handle, hearing people talk about their children (which I understand they are and will continue doing and I have to learn to face it and deal with it – but right now I’m super extra sensitive and it’s tough to hear). Everything wasn’t ok with you, Peanut, and I have to keep reminding myself about that and not get stuck in thinking it wasn’t.
Even though I was physically feeling really bad while being pregnant and spent pretty much all of the time in bed/sofa, I miss it terribly and would do anything to be pregnant again. To think that we were three (or four with Zola the cat), to plan what your crib was gonna look and be like, discuss culture differences/similarities, how we wanted to raise you as an American and a Swede – share it all with you. You were gonna be an American and a Swede, have both passports to open up the world to you even more, if you wanted to explore it later on. We had decided to continue to speak English at home and with each other, since society and surroundings are all speaking Swedish. We had talked so much about everything and then it all just crashed.
Your were a tiny little human being who was gonna be named Sonja Ruth Reynolds Eriksson. We love you and forever will keep you in our hearts, little Sonja. 🤍
It’s been almost two months since my last post about our little Peanut, who we sadly had to say goodbye to on February 3rd. The days are moving on with a bunch of work (I have a new job since the beginning of December 2020 since I lost my other job due to the Covid-19 situation in the world back in August the same year) and also some major preparations. Not too long after February 3rd, Liz and I decided we needed a major change in our lives, a fresh new start, and a focus/project during spring as we’re facing a spring and summer far different than we first thought by not expecting a baby anymore.
I’m still crying pretty much every day over our dream that never happened. I’m still being reminded by various milestones, such as entering half way in pregnancy, earlier scheduled times with midwife, classes we were going to participate in, stuff we were going to purchase, preparations in the home we were going to do, and so forth. Not to mention all the strollers, pregnant women, and babies that are out there to see – in real life and on social media. I’m happy for their sake, but it still hurts in my heart and soul, and it’s still pretty hard to deal with to be honest. But it hasn’t been that long since we ended the pregnancy and I can’t be too hard on myself. I’m so thankful for having Liz in my life, the counselor we’re seeing together, and my therapist I’m seeing by myself. Also my amazing parents who are supporting me and keeping up with my freak outs of grief on a regular basis as well. It is what it is. I have to accept it, and try to move on in life even though I feel I don’t have the right to do that since Peanut never got the chance to do so. We don’t regret our decision and we know it was the best for all of us…still, of course, it hurts. So much.
As I wrote earlier, we’re doing some major changes and preparations in life right now. We’re moving this summer to Norrköping. The plan is to get our apartment up for sale in the beginning of May, and it will hopefully be sold by summer (fingers crossed). We’ve been fortunate with great luck and amazing timing to get hold of our almost dream apartment in downtown Norrköping. It’s bigger than the one we own now, has a huge balcony with a great view of the whole city, right in the middle of downtown so close to everything, and there is also some other great convenient stuff we want to have. It feels so good. We need this change. If you know or remember, we actually used to live in Norrköping back from 2010 to 2013. However, it was a pretty dark period in my life where I was really sick with anorexia, so we haven’t been able to really enjoy the city for real. We’re also going to be closer to more family and friends (although it’s really sad to have to leave some other family here in Uppsala – but we’ll come back and visit, for sure). I’m gonna be able to focus and do a lot of more music in my life, which I’m really looking forward to. Singing in a choir again and to taking private singing lessons, are already on my agenda and I’ve booked a voice coach. So exciting! I’m also gonna be able to still see my therapist since she’s also offering online sessions, and has a clinic in Stockholm as well, which I might go to on a regular basis.
As I mentioned earlier I’d gotten a new job back in December, and I was feeling really bad a day back a few weeks ago when I thought I was gonna have to give my notice..but my boss totally offered me to still keep it but to work from Norrköping instead. How perfect!! I love my new job, but my newest client (I work as a UX-designer consultant), is in Stockholm – therefore, it could be some trips to the big city whenever the pandemic is letting us, which isn’t too far from Norrköping.
So all in all. Things are moving on in the midst of the grieving process.
Our journey to you started about two years ago. There were many visits to the hospital, tests to take, conversations to have, and a bunch of excitement. It was hopefully going to happen now, finally!
There were several bumps and roller coaster rides along the way but, in the beginning of November of 2020, it seemed to have worked!!! November 17th. The test day was here and IT WAS POSITIVE – WE WERE PREGNANT 🤍 Our excitement was beyond words and we were flying on clouds of happiness.
Then the adventure of being pregnant started. I felt so nauseous and sick in a way that I could have never imagined. But it was all worth it, I thought. I ended up spending a little more than 3 months in bed or on the sofa (in some ways the pandemic “helped” us since I could work from home then). But, Liz had to take care of everything – from serving me the little I could eat, to cleaning the apartment, doing all the laundry, and she couldn’t even touch me because the touch/movement would make me puke. It was pretty bad, to say the least. But, the excitement kept us going. Peanut, our “working name” for the baby was worth everything 🤍
January 19th, 2021 Mid January came and we (or I, Lina, since Liz was not allowed at the hospital due to the pandemic restrictions – she was fully healthy though) were going to check on Peanut and during the ultrasound we found out everything didn’t quite look ok. We got the worst possible result on the test with a 50/50 percent chance that Peanut wasn’t going to be healthy. The stats were 1:2. One out of 2 babies would be healthy. A 50/50 chance. Not good odds. We were devastated and we started to live in this weird fog of worries. The hospital booked us to do more tests just a couple of days later, and when the day came Liz was finally allowed to be part of it and was able to see Peanut for the first time. I had already been blessed to see Peanut two times at that point (week 8 and 13). Liz cried at how amazing Peanut was. I was nervous about the tests I/we were facing. But it was all beautiful, even though the reason for the tests were all a big chunk of worries.
The test results were going to be reported to us by phone, no matter the result – positive or negative, 2-3 days later (but it was Friday so we had to wait an additional two days). Those waiting days were some of the toughest days in my life. I could not think of anything else. I did not function (even more so with the nausea).
January 26th, 2021 On Tuesday January 26th at 1:18PM the phone rang. It was bad news. Peanut had some chromosome abnormalities and with that there would most likely tag along several other complications. We were now pregnant in week 14 and had entered the second trimester. It was exactly the time (or actually a week before that) that we had planned to announce our pregnancy. It was exactly the time that we had planned to start buying a few things in order to prep for Peanut’s arrival (July 28th, 2021 🤍). But, instead of celebrating and announcing, we were now faced with the decision to end the pregnancy or to go through with it and hope that the baby would be healthy enough to live. What we did know, though, was that Peanut already had some serious health issues. We were in complete shock for days. All of it surreal and crushing. So, we sat with it and just let all of our feelings and thoughts flow for a few days.
February 1st, 2021 We scheduled another appointment with a doctor for further discussions some days later. I talked with a counselor which we are seeing from now on, and then after meeting with a specialist together, Liz and I decided for Peanut’s sake and for our own, that it was the best to end the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision we have ever made and we were devastated. This wasn’t the way we wanted this journey to end. Our dreams were crushed. We started the ending process, and while I’ve been through some tough days in my life, I can say that these days have, by far, been the worst days in our lives. When you’ve come this far in the pregnancy (about to enter week 16), it’s a birthing process at the hospital. The difference is that you don’t get to go home with your baby…
We were terrified and devastated, but, we did it all. Together. We were able to see and hold you, little Peanut, and you were so beautiful in your own little way. And then we said goodbye.
Even though just a short time has passed and we are now deep in our grief, we wanted to share this story to honor our beloved Peanut, our girl who we had several names planned for, and who we were expecting to meet in July this coming summer. Peanut, you will never be forgotten. We love you and we dug deep into our souls to do what we thought was the best for you and for us. 🤍
With great and forever love, Mamma Lina & Mommy Liz