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thoughts

wishes

January 28, 2016

The Beach.

I would like to…

  • Enjoy eating and drinking without anxiety and/or negative thoughts.
  • Like myself – feel that I’m ok the way I am.
  • Work again. I love my job and my co-workers, but my life and the sickness is not stable enough to manage a job right now.
  • Longboard and be pretty good at it.
  • Decorate our (as of right now non-existing) own apartment, downtown Uppsala.
  • Have trips planned and bought. Ex. Paris, Dublin, Berlin, and the States.
  • Be healthy and free from this stupid sickness. I hate you. Yes, Anorexia is something I truly HATE.

Stressed out

January 10, 2016

Me

Just have a long list of stuff I’m worried and stressed out about right now in life…I miss feeling alive, creative, happy, and just full of energy. Now, it’s everything but that.

Weekend challenges, Sunday morning, and exciting stuff

November 22, 2015

Me

Hi my amazing readers – this little kiss above is for you! ♥

You know what?! I DID IT! My challenge yesterday as I wrote a little bit about here. Liz and I went downtown after lunch and did some errands and then headed to a cafe. I didn’t want to write about it in detail beforehand for some reason, but now, when I’ve done it, I will. The challenge was for me to drink a latte or something (read: not plain coffee at a cafe), and I did! It was something I’d planned with my therapist and nutritionist to do just in order to be more flexible when being out and about so I don’t feel like I have to run home at the exact time for my snack, but can have it wherever I am. Just to be clear, a latte is actually not completely enough as a snack for me at the moment, and the next step is to eat something with it, but you have to do this step by step, and this was the first one. Yes. I even enjoyed it a little bit!

So it’s Sunday morning. Pretty early and we’ve been up for a while. I have a weird sleep schedule nowadays which I’m not a huge fan of…but oh, well. As of right now, though, I am enjoying sitting here, blogging with candles lit, coffee beside me, and a cozy cat in my lap.

We have some exciting plans this afternoon, but once again, I’ll leave it as a little cliff hanger since I don’t really know what the outcome will be, and therefore, is better to tell you all afterwords. Hehe, pretty mean perhaps..I do really wanna write about it..but at the same time it feels a bit weird doing it before I know more stuff..so to be continued.

Love to you all!

A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?

quote

Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♥

Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe.

October 20, 2015

She saw and felt that all I needed was to breathe in the crisp fall air and soak up the sunny weather. To just be able to leave everything for a bit. She led me to the stairs, gave me a warm hug, and said we’d talk more on Monday morning. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe and just be. To let stuff pass and hopefully experience better times, and then better times again, and then even better later on. Today, I’m extra thankful for some people that are in my life right now. ♥ – From my Instagram account last Friday.

Friday was pretty hard, as it feels like I’m writing about every day and every week here…but that’s how it is right now, so I’m just being honest. It was so bad, so all I needed was to get out of the situation, place myself somewhere else, preferably outside in the fresh air since it was hard to breathe, and just soak up the sun, and the beauty of the outside. Life. I left the building, went to the city park here in town, and just looked around me at all the beauty, tried to refocus, and waited on Liz to come and meet up with me. What a better way to focus on the moment right there where I was than by taking pictures. So I did.

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Untitled

Fall in the park

Untitled

Cleaning, Håkan, and just some rest

October 18, 2015

Håkan Hellström tickets.Finally was able to buy tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert (after hours of being in line!)

The week has just been a major blur, where I’ve had zero energy more than making it back and forth to the hospital. I’ve literally just been on the couch the rest of the time, which my main nurse also told me to do – no physically activity. While it’s been necessary, it’s also been pretty hard dealing with this state of not doing anything. I get so restless, but am so tired, and yet I can’t sleep good. It’s a catch-22.

After last weekend, Liz and I decided to not have any plans at all this weekend. We’ve been watching a lot of Netflix, and yesterday we were working hard on getting tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert in June 2016! The arena in Gothenburg seats around 75 000 people (perhaps a few less since the stage takes up some space), and we stood in line (online) to stand in line (online) in order to buy the tickets. When it was 12 o’clock, the website where you ordered the tickets, was overloaded with people wanting to buy tickets. At one point it said on their Facebook page that there were around 95 000 freaking people trying to buy tickets at the same time on their website. 95 000!!!! And then, think of each of them buying at least two tickets each. I realized, with our waiting time in line (more than an hour), we weren’t gonna get any tickets… Suddenly, the artist decided to added a second concert the next day, and luckily we got tickets to that one (after bing in line for around 4 hours in total, working on three different computers at the same time!), with pretty good seats as well! Woo hoo! A friend of mine and her sister are going too so we’re gonna have a little road trip to Gothenburg then. Can’t wait! Anyhow, once we’ve gotten the tickets, my life turned out to be a little bit more glorious for a bit, even though the concert is not until June. Hehe.

We’re also making some travel plans to the States for next summer and a possible beach week with the American family which is making me beyond excited!! Cross your fingers it will happen and that we’re gonna rent the house at the beach we had last time, right on the beach of North Carolina – I love it! Today, Sunday, we’ve been doing some major cleaning at home and are just gonna watch TV tonight.

Hope you’ve had a great weekend!

Wednesday morning walk

October 14, 2015

Fall morning in Uppsala!

It’s been such a pretty fall day here in Uppsala, Sweden. This is what it looked like this morning when I was walking to the hospital. This is the kind of fall weather I love – blue sky, the sun is shining, not crazy cold but enough to wear a cozy scarf and gloves etc. And then with all the colors and contrasts. Gaaah, I could keep going.

It’s been an ok day today, really tough parts, but also glimpses of positive, and good stuff. I just really appreciate all the other patients there, they’re so nice, and such heroes.

Sunday evening on the couch

October 11, 2015

It’s Sunday evening and I wasn’t actually gonna post anything today – hadn’t schedule anything and haven’t had any energy. I’ve been blogging every day for the past few weeks and I don’t wanna stress myself out thinking that I have to post something every day, because I don’t. And I should only do it when I’m feeling like doing it. However, I changed my mind, and the reason is you, my beloved readers. Having you commenting on my posts and leaving supportive notes means so much to me. Truly. And when I logged in and saw several comments left here a few moments ago, I just got really overwhelmed, touched, and just felt inspired to leave a little note here.

Thank you so much!

I also would like to make sure that you also know that I’m always responding to your comments, so make sure to check back to the post where you left the comment, to see my answer.

The weekend has been a roller coaster with some major highlights and some really bad moments. I might write something about that in the next few days. Now, I’m gonna continue resting on the couch and watch something on Netflix together with Liz. Hope you have had a great weekend!

Motto

October 10, 2015

one day at a time

I think that this is one of my major mantras and mottos right now in my life.

one day at a time

If people ask me about things coming up several days ahead, I get stressed out, simply because I know how many things that are lying ahead of me that stresses me out. Therefore, it’s really important for me, at least nowadays, to just focus on the day it is. Another reason for this motto is, again, and I can’t stress it enough, to really live in the present and to make the best of it right then. Because that’s all we can do. We can’t change the past, and we don’t know for 100% about the future. But what we have is now. Just a little, but such an important (I think) thought I’d share with you all this Saturday ♥

Hope you’re having a great weekend!

Wednesday peppy?

October 7, 2015

I was gonna write something really peppy, inspiring, and fun…but to be honest, it has been pretty crappy this week so far, and it’s just tough right now, so this Wednesday is just a short note that some days are just like this, but it can just get better then! (Oh, look at that! I sneaked in something peppy!).

Love to you all who patiently come back here and read ♥