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Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

May 28, 2016

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

This post is partly in English and partly in Swedish since I found the quotes from the book so good that I don’t even wanna translate them. I apologize for those of you who don’t understand Swedish..

I finished a book today, a book worth its own post. Frida Jonsson, a girl I studied with at University, has written Drogerna to min bror Min bror tog drogerna, and I ordered it right away, when she announced its release. Frida’s brother was addicted to drugs and went in and out of jail, the hospital, and treatment places. In the book you’ll read, from Fridas perspective, as younger sibling, how it has been for her to be part of a family that’s breaking apart for various reasons. To get the perspective of a sibling’s situation, Frida’s situation, and also to understand a bit of her way of seeing and facing addiction, grief, relationships, her life, and also the life of her whole family, is overwhelming, and touching. Frida is such a wise girl who has so much to share and so many smart thoughts to share that made me start thinking even more about my own life situation, and how I’m facing hard times, and my life in general. What kind of changes can I do, and how? If you know someone near you, suffering from drug addiction in any kind of way, or if you’d like to get a glimpse what it could be like to be in a situation like Frida, or if you’d just like to get some really awesome thoughts on a way of dealing with life, this is definitely a must read. It’s only available in Swedish as of right now (but who knows if there will be an English version later on!?).

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

“Syskon som anhöriga glöms ofta bort. Både av familjen och av samhället – men också av oss själva. Det viktigaste är att mamma, pappa och brorsan mår bra. Jag klarar mig alltid. Vi visar ofta förståelse och vill inte hävda våra behov. I ‘Min bror tog drogerna’ får du som läsare inblick i hur det kan vara att ha ett syskon som försvinner allt längre in i drogernas värld. Hur det känns att bara stå bredvid och längta, vänta och undra. Boken är en ärlig berättelse om beundran och samhörighet. Om maktlöshet och förtvivlan. Om en syskonkärlek som aldrig dör”.

Frida shared some really good thoughts and wise words, that made me think about my life situation and how to face tough things in my life. Even though, what she was going through, isn’t really what I’m going through, or not at all, I can see similarities in thoughts and her words started a process inside of me that I can’t quite let go of.

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

Min bror tog drogerna by Frida Jonsson

 

Till dig, för att du är så duktig.

Jag tror att mening med livet är att söka sin egen sanning. Inte ta någon annans teori, inte köpa någon annans sanning rakt av. Det är fusk, och kommer därför inte funka. Utan fundera, reflektera och till sist formulera din EGEN teori. Din egen sanning; vad är meningen med livet, för MIG? Hur blir JAG lycklig? Men på vägen till sin egen sanning kan man ta hjälp och inspireras av andra och till exempel den här boken*. Men ingen är ju som DIG. Ingen har exakt dina upplevelser och erfarenheter. Ingen har exakt dina förutsättningar, dina möjligheter och förmågor. Därför måste du formulera din livsformel.

Ur Min bror tog drogerna, Frida Jonsson

*She had bought a book to her brother and referred to that one in this passage.

Ps. You can buy the book here.

when days turn out in a different, unexpected way

April 9, 2016

It’s been a pretty ok week with some challenges that have been good, but also have made me tired. However, it’s been totally worth it! But, it has its price and my energy level is pretty low, so Liz and I have decided, with consultation with my therapist, to cancel an event we were invited to today. I hate to cancel stuff, but sometimes, or all the time as of right now, I have to listen to my body and mind, when it’s telling me no. So instead of going to a big wedding party tonight, we’re staying home. I feel so bad about it, but also relieved since I truly don’t have the energy. Plus, we have major things coming up in just a few weeks with the celebrations of last of April here in Uppsala and the best, Liz’s cousin is coming here!! So excited about that!

So today, Liz and I are gonna take it easy, help a friend to do some shopping, watch movies at home, and just be. Exactly what I need.

Zola, our cat, is pretty damn good at taking care of herself, resting when she needs to, finding the sunny spots in life…such an inspiration, and something I should do too.

Hope you’re having a good weekend and try to take care of yourselves in the best possible way, promise me that ♥

A little mix

One day, I will be free

March 27, 2016

Lately.

March 2nd was the last time I posted something here on the blog. That was 25 days ago, and the weeks before that were like having mountain of hell to climb before us. But Liz and I did it. We climbed and have now, not reached the top (because I don’t want to think of life where you reach a top and then it’s done), but are now soaking up a beautiful view, and are enjoying life so much more since we are settled in our amazing apartment!

A lot of things have changed in my life since last time I wrote. I’m signed out from day treatment, after having been at the hospital every weekday for a little bit more than five months. It’s been hard to get used to being home more and to stand on my own feet. Luckily and thankfully, I have an amazing wife who’s helping me. I also have some other support and still, of course, I am seeing my therapist from the hospital on a weekly basis.

Since we haven’t had any Internet the past month, I haven’t really read any blogs…so I’m catching up on a few now. Not all of them since it will most likely be around, if not more, hundreds of posts to read and that overwhelms me. But, I’ve chosen a few to read, the ones who write about everyday life. That’s what I need right now. To get inspired and to challenge myself to do life stuff. The sickness is stopping me from living my life and I miss it. But even though I miss it, it’s hard to just do it, to do the things I actually love to do. Isn’t it sad? It makes me really sad to think about it (which in itself is a good sign!).

I’ve been enriched with new friendships lately, friends who are going through a similar sickness I’m going through. And the most amazing part of having these new friendships are that we understand and know each other on a level that no one else knows. We’ve been going through a similar hell at the hospital, but we’re now out of that, fighting for everyday life based from home. What’s so important with these friendships is that we’re always supporting each other, we’re always there for each other, pepping, sharing happy moments, and sharing sad moments. Not bringing each other down, but fighting together towards a healthy life, where the sickness is taking up less and less space in our lives.

Back to the blogs I’ve been catching up on. For the first time, in a really long time, I can feel a true longing to actually challenge myself, or the sickness, and to do the things that the sickness is screaming at me to not do. But Lina, somewhere deep inside, wants to. I’m not talking about major adventures, what you might think is huge in your life. I’m talking about the smaller everyday things that you might do without even thinking about it, but what takes for me, perhaps weeks to plan, talked through with my therapist and/or Liz, planned in detail, back up plans…the list can go on.

I’ve started doing some life-things now. For example, to go and sit in a cafe, to go to the movies, to walk downtown by myself, eat at a restaurant, drink alcohol, eat “forbidden” stuff… Now, I’m not doing all these things everyday, I still need to plan everything in detail, but I’ve started reaching out to life again. Which I haven’t done, at this “level”, for a very long time. What’s so sad, or perhaps it’s good too, is that people who don’t suffer from an eating disorder, who don’t think and analyze or plan everyday things, might not think about how hard and tough it is for me, since I’m there doing the things. But behind the scenes, things are planned, talked through, and have had my thoughts for days, or sometimes, weeks. However, I do believe, that to keep doing these tough things, will eventually lead to it being more easily done, and later on not thought through or planned as much. And the eating disorder will have smaller place in me while doing these things. It’s sort of learning by doing. I have to relearn how to live my life in a sense. A life where the eating disorder doesn’t take up 110% of Lina. And doesn’t take over and away life.

So just because I’m not in the hospital anymore, it doesn’t mean that I’m done with treatment. It’s actually more the opposite. It’s now that my tough treatment is starting because it is in my everyday life, without the safety of the hospital walls. But, I have to live my life. Challenge myself. Put myself into situations where I’m not comfortable at all. Because one day, one day, it will be an amazing experience, and there will not be a dark cloud of anxiety hanging over me.

So with this post, I just wanted to share a little of what it is like being outside the hospital, still on the sicklist for months, and how it is to fight every single day, several times a day… just give you a picture what I’m working on now..

I’m fighting to get life back. An everyday life without anxiety and without an eating disorder taking over completely. One day, I will be free.

wishes

January 28, 2016

The Beach.

I would like to…

  • Enjoy eating and drinking without anxiety and/or negative thoughts.
  • Like myself – feel that I’m ok the way I am.
  • Work again. I love my job and my co-workers, but my life and the sickness is not stable enough to manage a job right now.
  • Longboard and be pretty good at it.
  • Decorate our (as of right now non-existing) own apartment, downtown Uppsala.
  • Have trips planned and bought. Ex. Paris, Dublin, Berlin, and the States.
  • Be healthy and free from this stupid sickness. I hate you. Yes, Anorexia is something I truly HATE.

Stressed out

January 10, 2016

Me

Just have a long list of stuff I’m worried and stressed out about right now in life…I miss feeling alive, creative, happy, and just full of energy. Now, it’s everything but that.

Weekend challenges, Sunday morning, and exciting stuff

November 22, 2015

Me

Hi my amazing readers – this little kiss above is for you! ♥

You know what?! I DID IT! My challenge yesterday as I wrote a little bit about here. Liz and I went downtown after lunch and did some errands and then headed to a cafe. I didn’t want to write about it in detail beforehand for some reason, but now, when I’ve done it, I will. The challenge was for me to drink a latte or something (read: not plain coffee at a cafe), and I did! It was something I’d planned with my therapist and nutritionist to do just in order to be more flexible when being out and about so I don’t feel like I have to run home at the exact time for my snack, but can have it wherever I am. Just to be clear, a latte is actually not completely enough as a snack for me at the moment, and the next step is to eat something with it, but you have to do this step by step, and this was the first one. Yes. I even enjoyed it a little bit!

So it’s Sunday morning. Pretty early and we’ve been up for a while. I have a weird sleep schedule nowadays which I’m not a huge fan of…but oh, well. As of right now, though, I am enjoying sitting here, blogging with candles lit, coffee beside me, and a cozy cat in my lap.

We have some exciting plans this afternoon, but once again, I’ll leave it as a little cliff hanger since I don’t really know what the outcome will be, and therefore, is better to tell you all afterwords. Hehe, pretty mean perhaps..I do really wanna write about it..but at the same time it feels a bit weird doing it before I know more stuff..so to be continued.

Love to you all!

A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?

quote

Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♥

Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe.

October 20, 2015

She saw and felt that all I needed was to breathe in the crisp fall air and soak up the sunny weather. To just be able to leave everything for a bit. She led me to the stairs, gave me a warm hug, and said we’d talk more on Monday morning. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe and just be. To let stuff pass and hopefully experience better times, and then better times again, and then even better later on. Today, I’m extra thankful for some people that are in my life right now. ♥ – From my Instagram account last Friday.

Friday was pretty hard, as it feels like I’m writing about every day and every week here…but that’s how it is right now, so I’m just being honest. It was so bad, so all I needed was to get out of the situation, place myself somewhere else, preferably outside in the fresh air since it was hard to breathe, and just soak up the sun, and the beauty of the outside. Life. I left the building, went to the city park here in town, and just looked around me at all the beauty, tried to refocus, and waited on Liz to come and meet up with me. What a better way to focus on the moment right there where I was than by taking pictures. So I did.

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Untitled

Fall in the park

Untitled

Cleaning, Håkan, and just some rest

October 18, 2015

Håkan Hellström tickets.Finally was able to buy tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert (after hours of being in line!)

The week has just been a major blur, where I’ve had zero energy more than making it back and forth to the hospital. I’ve literally just been on the couch the rest of the time, which my main nurse also told me to do – no physically activity. While it’s been necessary, it’s also been pretty hard dealing with this state of not doing anything. I get so restless, but am so tired, and yet I can’t sleep good. It’s a catch-22.

After last weekend, Liz and I decided to not have any plans at all this weekend. We’ve been watching a lot of Netflix, and yesterday we were working hard on getting tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert in June 2016! The arena in Gothenburg seats around 75 000 people (perhaps a few less since the stage takes up some space), and we stood in line (online) to stand in line (online) in order to buy the tickets. When it was 12 o’clock, the website where you ordered the tickets, was overloaded with people wanting to buy tickets. At one point it said on their Facebook page that there were around 95 000 freaking people trying to buy tickets at the same time on their website. 95 000!!!! And then, think of each of them buying at least two tickets each. I realized, with our waiting time in line (more than an hour), we weren’t gonna get any tickets… Suddenly, the artist decided to added a second concert the next day, and luckily we got tickets to that one (after bing in line for around 4 hours in total, working on three different computers at the same time!), with pretty good seats as well! Woo hoo! A friend of mine and her sister are going too so we’re gonna have a little road trip to Gothenburg then. Can’t wait! Anyhow, once we’ve gotten the tickets, my life turned out to be a little bit more glorious for a bit, even though the concert is not until June. Hehe.

We’re also making some travel plans to the States for next summer and a possible beach week with the American family which is making me beyond excited!! Cross your fingers it will happen and that we’re gonna rent the house at the beach we had last time, right on the beach of North Carolina – I love it! Today, Sunday, we’ve been doing some major cleaning at home and are just gonna watch TV tonight.

Hope you’ve had a great weekend!

Wednesday morning walk

October 14, 2015

Fall morning in Uppsala!

It’s been such a pretty fall day here in Uppsala, Sweden. This is what it looked like this morning when I was walking to the hospital. This is the kind of fall weather I love – blue sky, the sun is shining, not crazy cold but enough to wear a cozy scarf and gloves etc. And then with all the colors and contrasts. Gaaah, I could keep going.

It’s been an ok day today, really tough parts, but also glimpses of positive, and good stuff. I just really appreciate all the other patients there, they’re so nice, and such heroes.