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thoughts

Picking up the pieces

November 2, 2017

This is how I’ve felt lately… separated into different pieces because life turned me in a completely opposite direction then I expected. But you know what? I think that this process that I’ve been forced to go through will actually turn into something amazing – something way better than I could have ever imagined! So even though I’ve felt like I’ve been in split into pieces, I think I’ve put myself together again, one piece at a time. I know where I wanna go, and hopefully how to get there!

I’m gonna find a dream team to work with, in an amazing work place, with fun, interesting, and exciting projects where I get to be creative and have loads of fun! YEAH!

 

(I haven’t mentioned anything about it at all, but in the end of September, I was laid off work due to their bad economy. So I, along with three others, were made to leave. Long story short, there’s still a process going on with that, which I’ll not get in to. But, while not working, I’ve studied a class, gotten a certification in User Experience Design (UX-design), and worked on my portfolio. So now I’m ready to hit the job market again! Wish me luck ♥).

 

they were always just a tram ride away

September 17, 2017

“They’re not treating me fairly!”, said a sobbing Lina, hardly able to make herself clear through her tears.

She asked me to explain the whole situation, listened carefully, and eventually told me to go and wash my face in cold water because it would feel good to my bright, red, tear-streaked face. She knew me so well. Even though I knew deep inside of me it might have been me that had not been treating my siblings fairly, it always felt she was on “my side” of the whole story, and that’s what I needed right then.

Between my private violin lesson and my orchestra practice, I always went to their big apartment, located right in the middle of downtown. We had fika, talked and talked, and they listened and listened. During the summer months, when they lived in their summer cottage, out in the country side, which I truly wasn’t a big fan of (most likely because the rugs weren’t as cozy as in their downtown apartment, and the toys weren’t as many), I spent a lot of time there anyway. We played ice cream store through the kitchen window, where I always ordered an ice cream boat. We went to the lakes and swam.

One time, when my youngest aunt lived in another city, and they were going to visit her, I joined them, and we surprised her. I was standing behind the door when they rang the doorbell, and jumped out from my hidden place, and we all screamed “Surprise!” That was the same trip where I got really upset when we were walking downtown, until they bought me “Tårtspelet” – a board game. I was so excited then that I forgot I was upset. We also played endless of rounds of card games at their dining table, while eating chocolate and drinking apple cider. If I was lucky, and had been nice, while walking downtown, helping out, I could get beautiful angel book marks. The beauty was that I never expected anything, it was just something extra every now and then. What truly was the most important, was the endless amount of hugs and love I always felt from them.

Once I got a little bit older, I started cleaning and helping them out every week, ran to the store for them, or picked up pastries from the bakery just down the stairs, in the same block. It was a time I felt I could help them and be there for them when they needed it. When I needed help with school work, I could always ask him, and then I was stuck forever, since he literally knew e v e r y t h i n g, and therefore told me e v e r y t h i n g. Sometimes he could move over to start talking about the native Swedes and what life was like up north in Sweden. We were a great team.

The years passed, and I moved to other cities, and even countries, and I couldn’t see them as often as I wanted. However, I tried to always keep them updated, by sending post cards, and/or letters, and whenever I was in town for a visit, I always paid them a visit as well.

Tears are streaming down my face right now.

Tears of happiness that I got to have them in my life. Tears of joy of all the memories I have.

But also tears of sorrow. I miss mormor and morfar so bad.

Today, a year ago, was the last time I saw my mormor (grandma), talked with her, and hugged her. We looked at old photo albums, talked about the past, and laughed in the present moment. And when it was time for me to leave, we both knew. We knew it was the last time we would see each other in this life. My morfar passed away three years before her, and I knew they were finally gonna be together again soon. It was the right thing. It was time. However, it’s so easy to be selfish in moments like this, because I miss you so much, mormor and morfar..

 

LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER

Life happened

September 4, 2017

lina_camera

photo credit to Jeremy Trimnal – friend and photographer at Asheville Blog

Hey <3

Last time I posted anything here was our latest podcast episode on May 10th! To blog and record podcasts haven’t been my priority when I’ve needed to put all my energy into life in general. But you know what? It wasn’t anything I’d planned. It just happened. However, I’ve been working on trying to figure out how I want to live my life, and in doing that, I have simply lived. To leave the anorexia behind, focus on what was good for Lina, not the eating disorder. I’m not gonna excuse myself, because I’ve grown so much as a human being during these past months, and that’s freaking amazing. Since I haven’t updated anything here for a while, though, I thought we could do a little recap of each month and what I’ve been up to.

 

wedding

photo credit to another wedding guest

Spring 2017

 

MAY

  • Liz and I road tripped, together with a new friends of ours, in Germany. Well, we flew to Berlin, rented a car and drove about three hours south from Berlin. Our friends were getting married and it was such a beautiful wedding ceremony in an old little church in the middle of the village where our friend grew up. I was also fortunate to be able to sing and play. The wedding reception was also so much fun! Another fun fact, it was also my birthday, so I got to celebrate the beginning of my 34th year out in the country, at a beautiful wedding, in Thüringen, Germany.
  • Back in Sweden, my wife surprised me with dinner out together with my brother, his wife, and a close friend of ours (who’s birthday is just about after mine).
  • I was working on myself a lot this month.
  • We celebrated our version of Memorial Weekend by having a picnic in the big park together with family and friends.
  • The lilacs were blooming, spreading their sweet scent all over town, and summer was on it’s way, along with my excitement.

 

archipelago

livingroom

photo credit to Liz

JUNE

  • Celebrated June 6th (Sweden’s National Day), by drinking beer in some beautiful summer weather.
  • We decided to redo a little interior in our living room by selling our couch, and buying a new one. We are in love with the new look, and how much more spacious it all feels. Score us! (More photos to come!)
  • Was really sad and upset about a “friend” of mine. I tried. Was denied. Got tired, and broke up with the person. Still dealing with this in my heart and soul, because I feel like I never got the chance to really work it out with the person.
  • My cousin graduated from high school in Norrköping and we took the train down to be part of the celebrations.
  • Celebrated Midsummer out in the archipelago together with my wife. I’m still working on a little video, and one day it will be done. Just gotta finish another project first.

 

vsco

vsco

 

JULY

  • Ate endless amounts of strawberries because that’s my absolute favorite thing to eat. At. All. Times.
  • Counted down the beginning of my vacation by celebrating others’ vacations beginning by exploring a new bar in Uppsala with amazing cocktails. Plus an almost 360 degree view of Uppsala. Good stuff.
  • Vacation time which meant going to the States time!
  • Spent our first days in the States, in New York City, hanging out with my American cousin who was doing an internship there during the summer. Explored Upper East Side for the first time (Liz and I try to explore different areas each time we’re there).
  • Flew down to North Carolina and Asheville/Lake Junaluska/Waynesville area. Hung out with family and friends, and drank endless amounts of beer. Because that’s what you do there.

 

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mix

 

AUGUST

  • Flew back to Sweden, WITH MY IN-LAWS! Yes, that was huge since it was their first time in Sweden.
  • Started off in Uppsala with a lot of rest due to jetlag.
  • I started working again, but my first week I “worked from home”, from Norrköping, where we hung out with my parents and Liz’s parents, and toured around e v e r y w h e r e. So great to finally be able to hang out with both our parents in Sweden! They’ve seen each other several times, but in the States when my parents’ have traveled there. Now my parents’ got to host my parents-in-law. So great!
  • Went back to Uppsala and to work in the office. Decided to really work on being there, and not working from home. And as of today, I’ve been there every day three weeks straight. It’s a record. (FYI: I’m on sick leave, only working part time, and haven’t had the energy to work from the office around other people so many days in a row before now). Liz’s parents stayed at my brother’s place, since he and his wife were hiking in Spain, so after work, I hung out with them and toured around Uppsala. My parents came to town, and we all spent a day in Stockholm, toured in Uppsala, and just hung out together. Liz’s parents returned to the States after being in Sweden for three weeks. It’s been empty not having them around..
  • Our friend C from London, who also was our House Hunters International producer, came and stayed with us for a few days. We had so much time, visiting old film locations, eating good food, and drinking beer at Ångkvarn of course (we filmed there).
  • Ended August by going to an outdoor concert, sat on the first row, and listened to Helen Sjöholm and Tomas Andersson Wij <3.

 

vsco

It’s the beginning of September now, fall is creeping up on us, which I actually feel pretty pleased about. Last fall was awful so I have the feeling this is gonna be an amazing fall, way better then last year, with plenty of cozy nights together with friends and family! I also feel my creativity is increasing, so I’ll hopefully take care of that, and do some fun projects.

Welcome, beautiful May!

May 1, 2017

cherry_blossoms

Hey Friends, and welcome back!

I’ve been gone for a while, and with this post, I’m not saying I’m back on a regular basis again, just to warn you. Hehe. However, today, I had the feeling, and the longing to share my thoughts. I truly think I need this space, a channel to share exactly what I’m feeling and thinking. Whenever. However.

It’s first of May today. Also, from now on, called my birthday month! Yeah. I’m turning 33 towards the end of May (20th to be exact), and with that, I’m beginning my 34th year of living. How cool is that? I’ve made it this far, and hopefully have many years to come!

To be honest, I feel like my life is starting all over again, the sickness of my eating disorder is not my whole “life” anymore. There are other things to focus on. I still have a while to walk on the path of being free from it, but almost every day, I’m making progress in leaving it behind me, and it’s such an amazing feeling.

I’m also in a phase where I’m trying to minimilize my life when it comes to stuff. I don’t want to have tons of clothes – I prefer to wear pieces that I know where they come from, have a transparent business (where you know the process of making it and not many middle hands in between). I would much rather pay a little more for quality and good business values, instead of paying a mass company, with horrible working conditions for its employees, and so forth. I’m also making a change of the products I’m using (make up, etc.), to know if it has been tested on animals or not, and what ingredients it has. Ok, I’m not gonna get completely stuck in this subject right now, it can be its own post. However, my point is, that I’m trying to go through things I own, give it away or sell it, in order to own less. My goal is to know exactly everything I own and where it’s placed, to know where it comes from, and the process of making it.

In order to reach some things I really want to aim for, I’ve decided to set up some various goals for the month of May. I thought it could be a neat monthly tradition, where towards the end of the month, I go through my goals and see what I need to give more time doing or scratch from the list, or what I’ve done. No pressure, but pure joy and getting the feeling of working towards what’s important in my life right now. Here we go:

Spring 2017

 

My May Goals

  • Continue going through stuff – get rid of things and organize the rest.
  • Plan a kitchen renovation.
  • Learn more about running a business.
  • Start using Lightroom (a photo editing software) on a regular basis.
  • Cook at least once a week, perhaps twice.
  • Try pole dancing.

 

Pep

March 12, 2017

Pep.

To get this in a text from a close friend, warms my soul & heart <3

Welcome, 2017!

January 1, 2017

2017
I feel so ready for you, 2017.

It’s New Years Eve, around 10PM here on the East coast of the US. Sweden has already lived in 2017 for some hours, and we’re about to enter it as well, and while we’re waiting I thought I could share some of my thoughts abut how to improve my life in order to live it to the fullest.

I have a few things I’ve thought of, changes I wanna make, improvements, healthy choices, and a desire to live life like I’ve never done before. Let’s organize it a little bit better:

Health
Make sure I drink as much water as I need every day, sleep enough hours every night, eat good food that I’ve also cooked, and take walks in order to get fresh air, every now and then.

Weekly luxury stuff
To do something for myself every week, along with doing something together with Liz every week. It could be, for example, to go to the movies on a regular Tuesday night. Grab a glass of wine downtown on a Friday after work, buy a sweater or something for home, fix my nails, get massages, treat myself with some lattes and juices etc. out, take away food on a weekday night…and so forth.

Travels
To have a few ideas/plans for possible trips. It could be a day in Stockholm, a long weekend in Ireland, a London trip…Just a few things, something special, to look forward to.

Creativity
Learn more about video editing, do paper art, take more pictures, film vlogs, and work on Liz’s and my new projects. Continue with our podcast and perhaps improve it even more.

Friends and Family
Meet up more with friends and family. More spontaneity in life.

Life in general
Try to clean out my life and by that I mean, live a more minimalistic life… think through once and twice before a purchase. Just because something is really cheap, I might not wanna stand behind the values of  how it was produced; for example, avoiding fast fashion. Also, to organize and go through our storage units. I don’t need as much stuff and clothes that I already have.


Lastly: To worry less and live more. 

Thursday thoughts

September 15, 2016

tattoo

I woke up with a pretty heavy feeling inside of me today. My energy level is pretty low nowadays, due to new routines/changes in my life.

Once I had gotten up to a higher energy level, life changed, and I need to face the exhausted feelings again. But I know it’s worth it. Because this is life, not where I was a year ago, five years ago, or even ten years ago. However, there’s so much going on right now, things I cannot control, fun stuff, tough stuff…and where am I in all of this? I have no idea. Who am I? How do you figure out who you are? How do you know your identity? What is identity? How would you describe yourself? I don’t know. I feel pretty lost right now. But perhaps, time will show, ride this wave, and I will explore more and more. The hard part, though, is to have patience enough, to let this take its time.

New week, new energy?

September 12, 2016

Sept. 2016

This past weekend hasn’t been the greatest one in history. I haven’t stepped outside at all, not wanted to show myself for anyone, and just felt anxious and bad. I truly hate when those days come, and I’m not that great at taking care of me/them either. Basically, I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away, which isn’t really good since I probably need to take care and face my emotions/feelings. So I’m gonna try to change the thoughts now…because they’re still there.

Hope you’re having a good beginning of the week ♥

Back to work!

September 5, 2016

quote

YOU create your own possibilities

Guys, guess what I’m doing today!!! I’m gonna start working a little bit again, after nearly a year of being on the sick list full time. I’ll take it really slowly in the beginning, and will just be at work a couple of hours every day. I’m pumped, excited, but also nervous in some way. Just like it “should” be, I guess.

At least, I’m not gonna work with stressful deadlines and have any direct contact with customers in the beginning. Instead, I am going to work within the company, such as, promoting it in on social media. Gonna be so much fun! I love social media, and to be able to work with it, is awesome. Like a dream. I feel so creative and inspired right now.

So from now on, I’ll work a tiny bit again, and I think we all (my therapist, mentor, Liz, the doctor, my job, and I) all have a great plan for me. And I’m gonna start saying that my position at work is not only as a Graphic Designer, but also as a Social Media Coordinator.