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eating disorder

Almost a month

December 21, 2015

Me

Crazy. It’s been a while since I last posted something here on the blog. Oh, well. My life has been pretty intense, but not, at the same time. To be honest, it’s been pretty tough lately, but I keep fighting, trying to follow what the professionals and Liz are telling me to do. However, there are some struggles that are really hard right now, and it’s not really helping that day treatment is closed for about two weeks!! I understand the professionals need some time off too when the holiday is kicking in, but this is also a really tough period when having an eating disorder…

Friday was the last day for some of the girls at treatment as well, so it was really sad to say goodbye to them, and also to say goodbye to the girls who I’ll not see on a daily basis for a few weeks, like the past months. You get so used to the everyday schedule at the hospital with amazing people around you, and then suddenly, you don’t have them around you. I miss my heroes. Because that’s what they are, the other girls (well the professionals too), but gaaaah, I feel so much for the other patients. Ok, enough with that talk..I’m getting really emotional now.

Liz and I had some cozy time here at home with my brother, his wife, my cousin, her boyfriend, and my extra big brother (my real brother’s best friend). We drank Glögg (mulled wine which is a major Swedish holiday drink), ate some snacks, chatted, and played a quiz that Liz and I had put together earlier in the day. So much fun! We filmed some during the day so lets check it out instead of me trying to describe it.

Here we go! (for better quality, check out the video directly on my channel on Vimeo → here)

Weekend challenges, Sunday morning, and exciting stuff

November 22, 2015

Me

Hi my amazing readers – this little kiss above is for you! ♥

You know what?! I DID IT! My challenge yesterday as I wrote a little bit about here. Liz and I went downtown after lunch and did some errands and then headed to a cafe. I didn’t want to write about it in detail beforehand for some reason, but now, when I’ve done it, I will. The challenge was for me to drink a latte or something (read: not plain coffee at a cafe), and I did! It was something I’d planned with my therapist and nutritionist to do just in order to be more flexible when being out and about so I don’t feel like I have to run home at the exact time for my snack, but can have it wherever I am. Just to be clear, a latte is actually not completely enough as a snack for me at the moment, and the next step is to eat something with it, but you have to do this step by step, and this was the first one. Yes. I even enjoyed it a little bit!

So it’s Sunday morning. Pretty early and we’ve been up for a while. I have a weird sleep schedule nowadays which I’m not a huge fan of…but oh, well. As of right now, though, I am enjoying sitting here, blogging with candles lit, coffee beside me, and a cozy cat in my lap.

We have some exciting plans this afternoon, but once again, I’ll leave it as a little cliff hanger since I don’t really know what the outcome will be, and therefore, is better to tell you all afterwords. Hehe, pretty mean perhaps..I do really wanna write about it..but at the same time it feels a bit weird doing it before I know more stuff..so to be continued.

Love to you all!

A chilly Saturday

November 21, 2015

Morning coffee

Good morning!

This is how I started off this chilly Saturday – a yummy cup of coffee. It’s beautiful out today so Liz and I might go out a little bit later on – most likely downtown. I’m not really allowed to walk around a lot, but to go downtown, for a challenge, is ok. But we’ll see. It’s the plan, but it also has to feel ok so it won’t turn in to a “fall back” or that I compensate it in any way.

However, the morning has been cozy, and I’m about to get into the new puzzle I bought and started the other day. We’re also gonna inventory our Christmas box in the basement that we brought with us when we moved from the States to see what we need (read: we most likely need Swedish electric chords for our stars that we’re gonna hang in our windows next weekend).

In this household, it’s really important to celebrate Thanksgiving before any Christmas stuff hangs up or anything is being decorated in the apartment. I actually really like that tradition and I also grew up with pretty much no decoration before First of Advent. The same goes with Christmas music. Nothing is being played until the end of next week (Thanksgiving is next Thursday, but we’re gonna celebrate it next Friday since it’s not a holiday here, and the family we’ve invited to Thanksgiving dinner work Thursday and Friday). So in a week from now, Liz and I will be in full force decorating our home. Fun and exciting. I’ll probably do another post about the decoration theme we’ve decided to go with this year. Yes, we’re that into this, with a Christmas-based decorating theme. A hint though is that this year will be minimalistic, clean, Nordic, and white. Love it!

Ok, time to move on with the puzzle and then after lunch, head out for some challenges. Hope you’re having a good Saturday! ♥

A little update

November 9, 2015

Haven’t written here in a while because, to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to come with. My days are so freaking uninteresting where I’m just moving myself between the hospital and home basically.

Well, I lied a tiny bit there, because I have done a few things lately. Halloween took place a little bit more than a week ago, where Liz and I hosted a party (planned way ahead before I knew what my life would look like right now). I was pretty nervous about hosting the party, because I’m not feeling that great at all, and it’s hard for people (no offense) to understand what an eating disorder is like, and especially how my life is, or more my non-existing life is, in dealing with this sickness. But it went ok. I had fun, and my American little sister, as I wrote about in my last post, was here, which was such a blast.

Other than that, it’s been close to hell, if there’s one, off and on. I’ve been pretty sick other times in life, but this, as I’ve said sometime before, is one of the hardest times in some ways. Just because this has to be the last round of relapse. I can’t, my body can’t, and Lina doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. But it’s not just to stop the sickness. This is something I have to work hard on. And it takes a long time. It has to take a long time now. Probably several months more…

Liz was out of town this past weekend for her second weekend of her life coach training class. I had some plans, that didn’t quite work out do due to various reasons and when I had back up plans, they didn’t work out as well, which led to a pretty crappy weekend where the eating disorder completely took over. I do have to highlight some great support I received in comments on Facebook, private messages, chats, and texts though. That meant so much to me so a huge thank you for all that support ♥.

I do want to describe something for ya’ though. When I’m having a tough period/day/weekend, it’s hard. I might be sad and disappointed in myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do, while the Anorexia side of me is cheering like crazy. But it’s not like I’m having a really bad day and the next day is good. Right now in my life, all days are sadly pretty bad. Sounds depressing and it is. But it’s true. Every day is hard. I wake up, have to face my body (which I hate), have to see how I look (which I hate), walk to the hospital where I have to face my biggest phobia (to eat or to gain weight among some other things), and deal with anxiety before, during, and after every meal. Once the anxiety has calmed down a tiny bit, it’s time for the next meal, and so it goes on every day. The more I work on facing my phobia, the more it should lessen, but as of right now, I’m in a phase where it’s not getting easier at all. Well, I eat more than I used to so that’s, in the healthy way of thinking, a step, but the Anorexia part is always screaming and making an entrance when I’m going against that side. And since that’s what I’m doing right now by eating several meals a day at the day treatment and at home, the screaming is worse. If I don’t eat, it’s calmer…you see my point? So no matter what I do, it’s hell. So if I have a tough day with a lot of anxiety and then come back to the clinic, it doesn’t mean that it’s better, rather harder and worse in a sense. It’s hard to describe…but I really wanna try just to give you readers a little chance to get a better understanding of my situation.

And to just add some extra stuff in my life right now, it might get slightly worse for a few weeks ahead due to some additional changes in my life (related to the eating disorder). So I feel like I’m changing gear, in a different way, but again pretty soon, which I hope will lead to the better side soon. But I just have to walk through the really tough parts first.

I found this on my Pinterest board that Liz had pinned, and wanted to share it with you too, because that’s how I’m trying to think right now and perhaps it will speak to you too?

quote

Sorry for a rather depressing post, but I can’t really present anything better as of right now. Thanks for keeping coming back here and leaving comments as well (been bad responding to them, but will in the next few days).

Love to you all ♥

Dream or goal life and American little sister

October 29, 2015

Homework stuff.

We have some group treatment at the day treatment as well, and not only individual sessions. Today, we got this homework of creating or rather splitting up the circle on the piece of paper above, into different pieces such as family, interests, health, work etc. How we want our life to look, as opposed to how it is now, where the eating disorder is now taking such a huge part of this circle. So this is what I’m working on this afternoon, while my amazing wife is doing laundry, cooking dinner, and earlier cleaned the apartment. Isn’t she amazing or what?! I’m one lucky girl.

Other than this, it’s been a pretty tough week with new challenges since I’ve eaten a bigger snack in the evening and now cooked food for dinner since Monday. Thursdays are always hard also due to the weigh-ins. But, it’s time to face my big fears, work on them, and then continue working on other things in life so the eating disorder won’t come back again.

On to something more positive and fun that’s happening very soon! My American little sister is heading our way, arriving tonight in Uppsala. I’m so excited to see her!! She’s from Minnesota, USA, but has been living in China for some years, and is now studying in Berlin! Our families have been friends since the 80’s, and she and her sister (at different times) have been exchange students in Sweden, living with my parents. My actual sister has been an au pair in their family in the States, their parents have lived and worked in Sweden, I’ve celebrated Christmas and New Years with them, and then they’ve been back to Sweden a few times visiting and so on. I see her as my extra sister, along with her older sister as well. Yep, that’s a short summary of why I have an American “little sister” (or actually two). <3

Ok, time to get into the homework…

Sunday morning

October 25, 2015

Candles.

Candles.

Good morning! It’s right after 8am here and Sweden has changed to winter time so the time difference between the States (East Coast) and Sweden are only 5 hours now for one week, until the States changes time. I haven’t really felt the change that much, but probably will later on today when it’ll get darker earlier.

I’m sitting here on the couch in our living room, it’s pretty gray outside so I decided to light some candles for extra coziness, while I’m sipping my cup of coffee. We spent all Saturday at home and I organized papers, rested, and we also started watching a, for us, new TV series, Homeland. I like it so far. Today’s plans were first to perhaps go and check out the dream apartment since it’s a showing today, but we really can’t buy it now, so it’ll probably just be tough to see it in real life. So we’re skipping it. But we’re heading downtown after lunch to do a few errands (I might get another reward based on my reward system!) and to also get out a little bit. Other than that, we’re just gonna be home, probably watch some more Homeland/TV, and I’m gonna mentally prepare myself as much as possible for the upcoming week.

When you’re in treatment for an eating disorder, you eat from a really specific food schedule – based on times, amounts, and it’s all planned out exactly what you’re gonna eat. It’s also pretty common to not eat 100% in the beginning. For example, when I started day treatment, I only ate half of a full portion of the lunch there. It’s because you need to mentally get used to eating again and physically, your body needs to get used to the amount of foods, so you have to take it easy. I’ve been at 100% on my food schedule at day treatment for a little while now, but not at home (as the plan has been).

But it’s time to change gears now, and I have already begun by eating a bigger snack in the evening. However, starting Monday, I’m gonna eat cooked food for dinner (have had yogurt and müsli before)…so it’s a pretty big change which is really hard for me..or the eating disorder. Mind and body are not connected, and the eating disorder is screaming not to eat, while Lina knows that this is the healthy way to go, so every single meal is a huge battle that no one else, who hasn’t had an eating disorder, can really understand. But I’m trying to share a few things here, so hopefully you readers, will get an insight as to what it is like.

Speaking of food, I believe it’s time to prepare breakfast now…

Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe.

October 20, 2015

She saw and felt that all I needed was to breathe in the crisp fall air and soak up the sunny weather. To just be able to leave everything for a bit. She led me to the stairs, gave me a warm hug, and said we’d talk more on Monday morning. Sometimes, there’s nothing else to do than to simply breathe and just be. To let stuff pass and hopefully experience better times, and then better times again, and then even better later on. Today, I’m extra thankful for some people that are in my life right now. ♥ – From my Instagram account last Friday.

Friday was pretty hard, as it feels like I’m writing about every day and every week here…but that’s how it is right now, so I’m just being honest. It was so bad, so all I needed was to get out of the situation, place myself somewhere else, preferably outside in the fresh air since it was hard to breathe, and just soak up the sun, and the beauty of the outside. Life. I left the building, went to the city park here in town, and just looked around me at all the beauty, tried to refocus, and waited on Liz to come and meet up with me. What a better way to focus on the moment right there where I was than by taking pictures. So I did.

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

Fall in the park

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Fall in the park

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Cleaning, Håkan, and just some rest

October 18, 2015

Håkan Hellström tickets.Finally was able to buy tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert (after hours of being in line!)

The week has just been a major blur, where I’ve had zero energy more than making it back and forth to the hospital. I’ve literally just been on the couch the rest of the time, which my main nurse also told me to do – no physically activity. While it’s been necessary, it’s also been pretty hard dealing with this state of not doing anything. I get so restless, but am so tired, and yet I can’t sleep good. It’s a catch-22.

After last weekend, Liz and I decided to not have any plans at all this weekend. We’ve been watching a lot of Netflix, and yesterday we were working hard on getting tickets to the Håkan Hellström concert in June 2016! The arena in Gothenburg seats around 75 000 people (perhaps a few less since the stage takes up some space), and we stood in line (online) to stand in line (online) in order to buy the tickets. When it was 12 o’clock, the website where you ordered the tickets, was overloaded with people wanting to buy tickets. At one point it said on their Facebook page that there were around 95 000 freaking people trying to buy tickets at the same time on their website. 95 000!!!! And then, think of each of them buying at least two tickets each. I realized, with our waiting time in line (more than an hour), we weren’t gonna get any tickets… Suddenly, the artist decided to added a second concert the next day, and luckily we got tickets to that one (after bing in line for around 4 hours in total, working on three different computers at the same time!), with pretty good seats as well! Woo hoo! A friend of mine and her sister are going too so we’re gonna have a little road trip to Gothenburg then. Can’t wait! Anyhow, once we’ve gotten the tickets, my life turned out to be a little bit more glorious for a bit, even though the concert is not until June. Hehe.

We’re also making some travel plans to the States for next summer and a possible beach week with the American family which is making me beyond excited!! Cross your fingers it will happen and that we’re gonna rent the house at the beach we had last time, right on the beach of North Carolina – I love it! Today, Sunday, we’ve been doing some major cleaning at home and are just gonna watch TV tonight.

Hope you’ve had a great weekend!

Wednesday morning walk

October 14, 2015

Fall morning in Uppsala!

It’s been such a pretty fall day here in Uppsala, Sweden. This is what it looked like this morning when I was walking to the hospital. This is the kind of fall weather I love – blue sky, the sun is shining, not crazy cold but enough to wear a cozy scarf and gloves etc. And then with all the colors and contrasts. Gaaah, I could keep going.

It’s been an ok day today, really tough parts, but also glimpses of positive, and good stuff. I just really appreciate all the other patients there, they’re so nice, and such heroes.

About the Stockholm Weekend

October 12, 2015

LiliesBought some Lilies today, to cheer up my Monday!

Liz and I headed to Stockholm right after my day in treatment Friday afternoon. It had been a crazy day there with a lot of tough things that had happened, which I will not get into here as of right now. Anyhow, we hopped on the train to Stockholm, checked into our hotel, and headed to my sister in law’s sister. The sister had turned 40 and we were invited to celebrate her, among with other family and friends. It was so much fun with a crazy crowd of interesting people! How I love to talk with new people and I always feel so fortunate to learn more about areas and subjects that I might not know that much about. So cool. It was a great evening and I managed to follow the plans that were made up for food and drink. So far, so good.

We came back to the hotel pretty late in the evening, went to bed, and slept. Saturday morning, I woke up, and my body pretty much shut down. Again, not gonna get into details, but I was not hung over (I wasn’t drunk Friday night and I felt physically ok during Friday evening). But my body pretty much physically collapsed and we were almost questioning whether to call an ambulance or to just figure out other strategies. We made some phone calls, and talked with a nurse who’s a friend of mine, who gave us some good tips. I was not in shape to doing anything more than lie down in bed. It was horrible and I’ve never ever experienced anything like this before.

We had to check out, after Liz had extended the time some, and took a cab out to our friends’ home. They were also the ones we were gonna go to a concert with on Saturday evening. I crashed on their couch and got up close to when it was time to leave for the concert, which was also the reason why we stayed in Stockholm over the night. I thought that the concert was gonna be something good for my soul to experience and just gonna be something positive, especially after the collapse, so I was determined to go and to not cancel another thing in life due to my eating disorder. I made it through the concert and our friends were so kind and drove us to the train station afterwards so we could catch the train back to where we live.

Sunday, was all about relaxing on the couch and trying to get some strength back. My main nurse at the hospital has also told me to not be physically active in any way as of right now, in order to let my body get as much rest as possible.

So the Stockholm weekend, didn’t exactly turn out the way we wanted, but I’m feeling a bit better now, and I have people checking on me at the hospital, so there’s no need to worry right now. It just turned out to be too much to handle, I believe, with the Friday madness at treatment, the dinner and being social Friday night (which was plenty fun, but it sucked out a lot of my energy at the same time), and then being away from home, and the stress that comes with that. Too much for my body to handle.

I wanted to share some pictures from Stockholm (or mainly the concert) with you all, but will do that in another post instead. This turned out to be so long. So, there was an update about my weekend..

Love to you all, my amazing readers and supporters ♥