It’s been a pretty ok weekend, with more energy than I thought I would have. I have no idea where it came from… oh, well (or perhaps I’m just using something extra I don’t have in some way… sounds weird though). I enjoy feeling a bit more “alive”. I’m pretty nervous about this coming week. Scared there will be decisions made that I’m not on board with. I’m trying really hard, fighting, so I don’t have to go the place I don’t wanna go to. Keep your fingers crossed, please.
Listening to music now, have written a shorter “essay” for a scholarship I’m gonna apply for, and I guess Liz and I are gonna finish watching “The Walking Dead” episode we never finished the other day, and the “Downton Abbey” episode we never finished, as well. That’s my plans for the rest of the day.
Five things I miss when I see this picture…
1. Nicole, my sweet friend. ♥
2. How I was feeling then. Way better than today.
3. My long bangs and hair. Working hard for it to grow now…
4. Ireland, where the pictures is taken.
5. To drink a yummy Irish beer. Or whatever beer.
(Hope it was ok posting this picture, Nicole?!!)
I just love chatting with my wife about everything. Life things. Hard things. Happy things. We are really open and talk about everything. I love the honesty in our relationship. (Even though my anorexia part is crawling like crazy under my skin sometimes because of the honesty we have.) But I believe it’s only leading to something good. I truly hate when people are lying, which I know some do around me…Why? They are just hurting themselves in the long run anyway. Oh well. I’m not gonna dwell on that right now. The sun is shining. It’s Saturday, Liz is off, and we’re gonna spend time with my family today. I’m trying not to focus on the tough things, and just enjoy the good moments.
I found this note the other day when I was going through some stuff. I got it from one of the most important nurses who took care of me when I was in the hospital last spring and summer. She did so much for me, and gave me such strength, when I felt completely hopeless. I saved the note she gave me, and every time I see it, I think of her and her words/pep talk. I need that now…
Translation: For you, Lina! You have the power to change everything to what you want 🙂 Within you there is so much more than you realize. /love.
Hope you will have a great Saturday!
Gonna spend some time with my closest family and just be during Easter. I had a really cozy afternoon and evening yesterday, together with my wonderful cousins. It filled my soul with love, laughter, and happiness. Gosh, I love them so much. I’ve also felt and gotten so much support from relatives, friends, and close family members. So much love. I’m so blessed having them in my life. And you all are so sweet too. Thank you for leaving supportive comments every now and then, it makes my heart warm. Wish I could hug you all ♥.
I’m so sad, so disappointed in myself, and feel so bad in general about everything..
I’m not good at all right now so we have had to cancel our upcoming trip to China. All I do is cry about that decision..but I’m not healthy enough. The goal right now is to not have to go to the hospital again. Gonna meet a doctor tomorrow, together with my main therapist, and we’re also gonna try to figure out a plan of how things are gonna be in the near future for me. Just wanted to let you all know…
“No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where
you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have
a unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a
purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they
will happen. Persist and persevere, your desired path remains possible.”
– Brad Gast
Today I’m doing some preparations for school! Filling in a scholarship form, contacting my references, writing a short essay, and also doing some more informative reading about the processes for various things connecting to school. I really need to focus on some positive and good stuff! I’m also gonna go through some clothes we are gonna give away tomorrow morning, and see what kind of summer clothes I can find to use when we’re in China. Oh, yeah. Honk Kong and further south of China will provide summer heat when we’re there. YES! I need warm weather, because it ain’t fun to freeze all the time
Today has been a pretty crappy day. A g a i n. It feels like I’m writing that all the time…But that’s how I feel. I have no energy, I’m not feeling positive at all, and I’m really sad. Today, the nutritionist said that I should drink seven nutrition drinks per day if I don’t eat any food. I almost freaked out (or I did, but not necessarily because of the mentioned seven nutrition drinks); so three is sort of the deal now (way too few if you compare with the amount I should eat, energy wise). I can’t do seven and I can’t do real/cooked food…but I can’t do three nutrition drinks either right now. Great. Or not. Will see what happens tomorrow when I’m seeing my main therapist. I know it can’t continue like this, since it will lead to something I definitely do NOT want it to. I need to fight hard so I’ll have energy for China, but first for the rest of the week, the weekend, the funeral of my granddad, and Easter!
I’m gonna go to bed now and hopefully wake up tomorrow with some more energy and some more positiveiness so I can let others (professionals and my love) help me to fight. It just needs to let them do that. It’s so hard.